Last year was terrible and wonderful for me. I made a lot of choices, I learned a lot. About the people around me, about myself. I gained confidence from someone good, even though things ended in pain. If not for the wonderful situation that ended terribly, and that still hurts me sometimes, I wouldn't have that confidence.
And then I got to thinking; if I hadn't made the choices I did, that led me to go through what I did, would God have used something else to give me that same confidence? Would he have used other methods?
I believe the answer is yes, because he has a plan for my life that isn't easy to stop.
BUT, I also believe that that is completely irrelevant. A quote from a TV show helped me out:
"I may not be perfect, but I am me."
It's simple and cliche. But you see, everything I do, whether it is a good idea, a mistake, or a mix of both, is me. It contributes to the person that I am today. It is a part of me, it is my history. And without my history, and the tragedies that God brings me through, I am simple and plain. 2010 was as hard as 2011. 2009 was a struggle of another kind; and don't get me started on 2008. But everything I go through is a testament to the strength that God is building inside of me. He will continue to mold me and teach me through every decision that I make.
I am absolutely not saying that I'm right all the time, because I'm not. I've made big mistakes like everyone else on this earth. But every day that I beat myself up, that I look back with shame, that I wish I hadn't hurt anyone, is a day that the Enemy of my spirit wins. It is a day that I lay down and die to the glory that was instilled within me before sin had its chance to touch my life. I will press on. I will reject the fear of rejection from everything that others have done to me, as well as that which I have brought upon myself. I will forgive them, and I will forgive myself. I am worth it.
Who says? God says. Jesus Christ died on the cross because I am a beautiful creature, because He wants me when no one else does, because I am made perfect and whole by that sacrifice. And it is mine to step into every day, if I so choose. I won't always choose it. I will struggle. But it will be true, waiting there for me, each time I get up the nerve to believe again. To believe that I am priceless.
And so are you.
Bravo!
ReplyDeleteI'm a bit late on the response here...I was looking through the blogs I follow and found this one again. Reading this post was like reading my own autobiography. I'm struggling with a looot of emotional baggage of my own right now, but one thing you said really stuck:
ReplyDelete"But every day that I beat myself up, that I look back with shame, that I wish I hadn't hurt anyone, is a day that the Enemy of my spirit wins. It is a day that I lay down and die to the glory that was instilled within me before sin had its chance to touch my life. I will press on."
I had a confrontation with that concept last night when someone reminded me that I'm not perfect, that I make mistakes, that I'll learn from them for the future, and that I need to let go. It's so hard to let go, especially when you're a bit of a control freak. XD (That would be me.) But the way you worded what happens when we /don't/ let go and instead wallow in the "what ifs" is striking and so, so true.
Thank you for sharing your personal reflections, and through those offering hope to a struggling spirit.