The last time that I wrote to you, my heart was still managing. But in the time between then and now, the hardened places have become swollen. They have stung and struggled. They have wearied of pain from situations past and present; things that had not been properly let go of. And I was not letting Christ's love in. I did my best with what I knew and the courage I could summon, "knowing" He loved me and remembering those times when He dispelled all doubt and brought trust into my life. I stuck it out and stayed productive during the day, but cried in the night. A wound does not relieve itself; it does not stop its swell without ointment. It must have attention or it will become infected. Last night, my heart's wound became receptive once again.
The touch of an unrelenting God broke through. I was at the reunion of my church, which broke into home groups a few months ago. The Lord showed up powerfully.
I may not go into detail about stories heard and prayers spoken, but they touched me deeply. That place that I'd locked off was reopened and let to breathe, though I did not fully realize it until tonight. Tonight, I watched the season finale of a show called Doctor Who. The Doctor, as he is known, is a Time Lord who lives without aging, traveling through time and space to be of help where evil would reign. He is in love with Rose Tyler, a young woman who traveled with him for a while before becoming locked in another dimension. They are reunited in the finale when she is returned to help save the universe, but it cannot last. She must go back to the dimension she has become a part of, or there will be consequences. The Doctor leaves her without option. He will never see Rose again, and it is heartbreaking.
The point of that is this: It is the same way for Jesus, every time one of us whom He loves so completely dies without knowing Him and goes to Hell. Eternal separation. And how absolutely horrible to experience it so often... so certainly. And this analogy ripped me open to understand how truly Christ just wants to be with those He loves. It was the key to re-exposing my heart to Him. I cannot describe the feeling with mere words, but I have remembered His love. Nothing is more simply life-changing.
He is crafting me, beloved, as a potter works His clay. Carefully and deliberately. I am stronger than before these two days, and have never known His love like this. I am more alive and aware than ever. And when I am walking with Him is when I have the ability to write in this fashion, with vulnerability. This is why I haven't posted in over a month. And this is why I hope to be consistent again.
With great love,
Laura
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Friday, October 1, 2010
Learning to Cope
My mom has been feeling ill for a couple of weeks. She's had a cough that causes her pain, sciatica, which has to do with a pinched nerve in her leg, and has just been feeling bad in general. She went to the doctor yesterday morning and he called last night. Said that he'd gotten the results of her blood work and didn't like it, and that she should go to the emergency room right away. My dad took her, and they've been running various tests. This evening, I learned that the doctors think it's either a viral infection, or something more serious. They're going to run another test in the morning that should determine which. The results will be in in about a week. I'm praying until then.
But I'm not blogging only to recruit more prayers. I've found that Facebook is great for creating prayer chains, and I've been blessed by the amount of commentary on my statuses, assuring me that prayers are going up and that I can call if there's anything my friends can do. These are truly appreciated. But something hard like this brings me to think about what I do to cope, to remain strong enough to get through. I'd like to share these with you.
My dad has gone to the hospital about four or so different times over the past five years, three of which ended with another stint placed in an artery near his heart. When things like this happen, you have a choice: you can worry and ask why and despair, or you can trust God. You can believe that He would not let something happen if there was not good to come of it in some form, and you can trust that no matter the confusion in your own mind, He knows how it will play out. He has the diagnosis and the cure. Sometimes He chooses to heal directly, and sometimes He lets it run through the various forms of healing that He placed on this earth. Either way, at the end of the day, all I want to choose is faith.
I'm not saying that it's easy; there are reasons for terms such as "trial by fire" and that it's "darkest before the dawn". My sister, Kate, set as her status a quote from Peter Marshall -
"When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure."
It's so very true. I would not be close to God, learning to depend on Him, if I had nothing to depend upon Him for! If I had nothing precious and close to me to trust Him with, then I would never learn complete and true trust. My character would not be strengthened through the opposition. When our relationships with those around us are put to test, they expose "fair weather friends" and those who will ride through the storm with you. No simple friendship is as strong as the one that has survived the hurricane. Whatever you believed before, you now have the proof that this person is trustworthy. In the same way, leaning on God through life will show you just how worthy He is of our love and our trust. He is the one who will, "never leave you nor forsake you." (Hebrews 13:5, emphasis added). And, unlike your friends, He knows how your circumstance will run its course, and exactly how He will take it from something wholly bad to something used for good.
To comment on a practical side, it's a good idea to occupy oneself while in between things. While I'm waiting to hear what's going on with my mother, not only can I pray, but I can do dishes, laundry, generally clean house; keep up with my schoolwork, keep people informed, and generally make use of my time. I feel better when I'm getting something done. Even if the task seems minimal and mundane, it's often the familiar routine that helps me get through an unexpected situation. It reminds that not everything is changed and upset, brings a leveling, consistent factor to the mix, and reassures that life will go on, come what may.
I had to jump up and deal with a large spider before finishing the last paragraph. The thing was creeping on the wall behind my desk, dropped to the floor and ran for the cover of my dresser when I went after it. I had to use a straw to poke at it, sending it back out into the open. It ran across the floor and under my bed. I finally nabbed it with some toilet paper when it paused by the wall. I squished it and flushed it down the toilet for good measure.
Don't be fooled. These things freak me out. But I needed to take care of it for my peace of mind. I'm not going to sleep well if I know that it's loose about my room. Every unexpected movement from it made me jump. But I dealt with it anyway. I got through it and was victorious without any real issue. Yeah, it's just a spider, but it proves a point:
if you're willing to face your fear, you might just be surprised by what God will enable you to conquer.
So my mom's in the hospital, but my God knows for how long. He knows how each step of this twist of life will play out, and He'll give me and my family what we need to get through it. He is faithful, all the time.
Psalm 36:5 - Your unfailing love, O Lord, is as vast as the heavens;
your faithfulness reaches beyond the clouds. (NLT)
Psalm 117 - O PRAISE the Lord, all you nations! Praise Him, all you people!
For His mercy and loving-kindness are great toward us, and the truth and faithfulness of the Lord endure forever. Praise the Lord! (Hallelujah!) (Amplified Bible)
But I'm not blogging only to recruit more prayers. I've found that Facebook is great for creating prayer chains, and I've been blessed by the amount of commentary on my statuses, assuring me that prayers are going up and that I can call if there's anything my friends can do. These are truly appreciated. But something hard like this brings me to think about what I do to cope, to remain strong enough to get through. I'd like to share these with you.
My dad has gone to the hospital about four or so different times over the past five years, three of which ended with another stint placed in an artery near his heart. When things like this happen, you have a choice: you can worry and ask why and despair, or you can trust God. You can believe that He would not let something happen if there was not good to come of it in some form, and you can trust that no matter the confusion in your own mind, He knows how it will play out. He has the diagnosis and the cure. Sometimes He chooses to heal directly, and sometimes He lets it run through the various forms of healing that He placed on this earth. Either way, at the end of the day, all I want to choose is faith.
I'm not saying that it's easy; there are reasons for terms such as "trial by fire" and that it's "darkest before the dawn". My sister, Kate, set as her status a quote from Peter Marshall -
"When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure."
It's so very true. I would not be close to God, learning to depend on Him, if I had nothing to depend upon Him for! If I had nothing precious and close to me to trust Him with, then I would never learn complete and true trust. My character would not be strengthened through the opposition. When our relationships with those around us are put to test, they expose "fair weather friends" and those who will ride through the storm with you. No simple friendship is as strong as the one that has survived the hurricane. Whatever you believed before, you now have the proof that this person is trustworthy. In the same way, leaning on God through life will show you just how worthy He is of our love and our trust. He is the one who will, "never leave you nor forsake you." (Hebrews 13:5, emphasis added). And, unlike your friends, He knows how your circumstance will run its course, and exactly how He will take it from something wholly bad to something used for good.
To comment on a practical side, it's a good idea to occupy oneself while in between things. While I'm waiting to hear what's going on with my mother, not only can I pray, but I can do dishes, laundry, generally clean house; keep up with my schoolwork, keep people informed, and generally make use of my time. I feel better when I'm getting something done. Even if the task seems minimal and mundane, it's often the familiar routine that helps me get through an unexpected situation. It reminds that not everything is changed and upset, brings a leveling, consistent factor to the mix, and reassures that life will go on, come what may.
I had to jump up and deal with a large spider before finishing the last paragraph. The thing was creeping on the wall behind my desk, dropped to the floor and ran for the cover of my dresser when I went after it. I had to use a straw to poke at it, sending it back out into the open. It ran across the floor and under my bed. I finally nabbed it with some toilet paper when it paused by the wall. I squished it and flushed it down the toilet for good measure.
Don't be fooled. These things freak me out. But I needed to take care of it for my peace of mind. I'm not going to sleep well if I know that it's loose about my room. Every unexpected movement from it made me jump. But I dealt with it anyway. I got through it and was victorious without any real issue. Yeah, it's just a spider, but it proves a point:
if you're willing to face your fear, you might just be surprised by what God will enable you to conquer.
So my mom's in the hospital, but my God knows for how long. He knows how each step of this twist of life will play out, and He'll give me and my family what we need to get through it. He is faithful, all the time.
Psalm 36:5 - Your unfailing love, O Lord, is as vast as the heavens;
your faithfulness reaches beyond the clouds. (NLT)
Psalm 117 - O PRAISE the Lord, all you nations! Praise Him, all you people!
For His mercy and loving-kindness are great toward us, and the truth and faithfulness of the Lord endure forever. Praise the Lord! (Hallelujah!) (Amplified Bible)
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Taking Notes
Last night, I was flipping around in my Bible. God showed me a few things that really encouraged me, so I wrote them down in my notebook. Tonight, I thought I'd share them with you. I really need to read my Bible more often; I easily release the habit and forget how it blesses me when I return to it.
Ephesians 2:8-10
"God saved you by His grace when you believed. And you can't take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so he can do the good things he planned for us long ago."
So neither can our mistakes take salvation from us. God doesn't give up on me as easily as I sometimes give up on myself, and my ability to make a difference.
Romans 8:28
"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them."
So He's using my daily struggles to make me stronger. He's using every hard thing that comes to shape me and bless me. He has a plan to use my life for His glory, and will use all these things to bring it into action. I am never abandoned; never forsaken.
Romans 9:26
"... Then, at the place where they were told, "You are not my people,' there they will be called 'children of the living God.'" (referring to the Gentiles, if you'd like the context).
Right there, where it was the worst. Where they were furthest from God's love, wholly desolate and abandoned; that is where He chose to restore them. To heal them and to offer something better - much, much better - than all the empty pain and deception they had known. Don't cover up and turn away from the broken, traumatized places. For those are the ones He wants to touch and use to bring forth His glory. Light out of the darkness, as it were.
Galatians 5:22-23
"But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!"
So all we have to do is let Him in. He'll use everything to bring these about in beautiful ways. Even if you doubt your own ability to birth such good fruit, don't doubt Him. "The Holy Spirit produces" is not a question. He is fully capable if you will open your heart to His work in your life. Just do your best, and give Him the rest.
Ephesians 2:8-10
"God saved you by His grace when you believed. And you can't take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so he can do the good things he planned for us long ago."
So neither can our mistakes take salvation from us. God doesn't give up on me as easily as I sometimes give up on myself, and my ability to make a difference.
Romans 8:28
"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them."
So He's using my daily struggles to make me stronger. He's using every hard thing that comes to shape me and bless me. He has a plan to use my life for His glory, and will use all these things to bring it into action. I am never abandoned; never forsaken.
Romans 9:26
"... Then, at the place where they were told, "You are not my people,' there they will be called 'children of the living God.'" (referring to the Gentiles, if you'd like the context).
Right there, where it was the worst. Where they were furthest from God's love, wholly desolate and abandoned; that is where He chose to restore them. To heal them and to offer something better - much, much better - than all the empty pain and deception they had known. Don't cover up and turn away from the broken, traumatized places. For those are the ones He wants to touch and use to bring forth His glory. Light out of the darkness, as it were.
Galatians 5:22-23
"But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!"
So all we have to do is let Him in. He'll use everything to bring these about in beautiful ways. Even if you doubt your own ability to birth such good fruit, don't doubt Him. "The Holy Spirit produces" is not a question. He is fully capable if you will open your heart to His work in your life. Just do your best, and give Him the rest.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
All I Need
My thoughts will bounce around a bit here, so bare with me. Copy/paste the link to a new tab or window to listen as you read.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gkLh-D-esxQ
This song alternately speaks to and flows from my heart. It's what my life boils down to. There's this and that, worries and concerns, confusion and grief (Matthew 6:27, "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"). There are hopes and doubts, moments of both peace and fear. We can only control these things so much; can only predict whether the bright light at the end of the tunnel is daylight or a train to a certain extent. Beyond that, it's all about how we react.
With each new experience, we have a choice to waste it or learn from it. To conceal the fresh wounds and old scars, undermine the beauty and life, or let each happening change us to become a little more ourselves; a little more like the people who God originally crafted you and me to be. With the Holy Spirit's guidance, we can learn and grow to meet new challenges. If you're playing a video game, you know that each new level will be harder, more intense. But you gain new skills with each new victory, just as you need them. You're prepared. It's the same with everyday life. If you don't learn as you go, you won't be ready for the next set and you will be expected to repeat the lesson until you're ready. I don't know about you, but there are some things I'd really rather not repeat.
But at the end of the day, we need to rest. Our day's choices behind us, we need Someone unchanging to hold us steady. Someone who is steadfast, unfailing, and good through-and-through. Who cares for us more than the people we interacted with and dealt with today can even begin to. Someone who can see the bigger picture, look into our worst-case scenarios, and find the key to getting us through. A familiar verse, Romans 8:28 reads, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."
Another familiar, yet repeatedly encouraging verse? Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."
Which means that He has my life in His capable hands and He's well aware of my circumstance. He'll work through my life if I keep coming back to my Jesus.
"All I need is You, Lord
Is You, Lord."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gkLh-D-esxQ
This song alternately speaks to and flows from my heart. It's what my life boils down to. There's this and that, worries and concerns, confusion and grief (Matthew 6:27, "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"). There are hopes and doubts, moments of both peace and fear. We can only control these things so much; can only predict whether the bright light at the end of the tunnel is daylight or a train to a certain extent. Beyond that, it's all about how we react.
With each new experience, we have a choice to waste it or learn from it. To conceal the fresh wounds and old scars, undermine the beauty and life, or let each happening change us to become a little more ourselves; a little more like the people who God originally crafted you and me to be. With the Holy Spirit's guidance, we can learn and grow to meet new challenges. If you're playing a video game, you know that each new level will be harder, more intense. But you gain new skills with each new victory, just as you need them. You're prepared. It's the same with everyday life. If you don't learn as you go, you won't be ready for the next set and you will be expected to repeat the lesson until you're ready. I don't know about you, but there are some things I'd really rather not repeat.
But at the end of the day, we need to rest. Our day's choices behind us, we need Someone unchanging to hold us steady. Someone who is steadfast, unfailing, and good through-and-through. Who cares for us more than the people we interacted with and dealt with today can even begin to. Someone who can see the bigger picture, look into our worst-case scenarios, and find the key to getting us through. A familiar verse, Romans 8:28 reads, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."
Another familiar, yet repeatedly encouraging verse? Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."
Which means that He has my life in His capable hands and He's well aware of my circumstance. He'll work through my life if I keep coming back to my Jesus.
"All I need is You, Lord
Is You, Lord."
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
In This Moment
Sometimes, all that's left for me is to rest in God. To play some music, God-enthused lyrics coming through the headphones, and rest. Let Him calm my heart when it cannot calm itself. He truly is there for me when none other is, or can be. When an impossibly treacherous journey lies before me, and I must stay strong despite the rain. When it all falls apart, and I'm left to the dark of this world. Its pain, confusion, and deepest heartache. When I miss someone desperately, or need to find new hope. Stabbed in the back, maybe. When I let Him, He'll restore my peace and bring me through. He always has. Oh, Lord... I am so thankful.
I'm soaking in His peace as I write this. This quiet love is healing my heart. I'll still trip and stumble, and there are many walls left to scale, bridges left to cross, and valleys that I must endure to reach the mountaintop, my eureka. But that mountain will be beautiful, and so much more than worth it. I know this, because I trust Him. I trust that He wouldn't let something so bad happen if He wasn't going to birth and multiply good from within the mess. In every situation where I have dealt with intense emotional pain, there's been a choice: keep striving after Him, or give up to my Enemy. To Satan.
My answer's clear, and I will keep pressing on with my God by my side. He gets me through.
Mmm... and not only that, but He loves me and teaches me as we go. I'll learn new things for next time, it won't be a waste. I'll have a new understanding of His heart when I need more of His heart; when I have to dig and hunt. He sweeps me into His arms when something's just too much, and He carries me. It looks like one set of footprints, because it is - His prints, left by One who loves enough to take the burden upon Himself. The love of my sweet Jesus is far beyond comprehension, or even reason. I cannot reason enough to figure out why it's worth it to save me over and over again. But my Knight hasn't left me. He promised that He won't, and He's reminding me of His presence yet again. In this moment, I have serenity. In this moment, I will press on.
I'm soaking in His peace as I write this. This quiet love is healing my heart. I'll still trip and stumble, and there are many walls left to scale, bridges left to cross, and valleys that I must endure to reach the mountaintop, my eureka. But that mountain will be beautiful, and so much more than worth it. I know this, because I trust Him. I trust that He wouldn't let something so bad happen if He wasn't going to birth and multiply good from within the mess. In every situation where I have dealt with intense emotional pain, there's been a choice: keep striving after Him, or give up to my Enemy. To Satan.
My answer's clear, and I will keep pressing on with my God by my side. He gets me through.
Mmm... and not only that, but He loves me and teaches me as we go. I'll learn new things for next time, it won't be a waste. I'll have a new understanding of His heart when I need more of His heart; when I have to dig and hunt. He sweeps me into His arms when something's just too much, and He carries me. It looks like one set of footprints, because it is - His prints, left by One who loves enough to take the burden upon Himself. The love of my sweet Jesus is far beyond comprehension, or even reason. I cannot reason enough to figure out why it's worth it to save me over and over again. But my Knight hasn't left me. He promised that He won't, and He's reminding me of His presence yet again. In this moment, I have serenity. In this moment, I will press on.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Candles and Bonfires
The tender flicker of a candle, so melancholy within this dark room. It's all right, it'll make it. Just don't let the drafts in, be careful going by. If it goes out, you may not find the match to relight it. Small candle, don't be afraid to shine. This scenario calls for too much caution when this life is yet short. And your flame, it'll stand strong if you'll become part of God's bonfire.
See, it's like this: I was at a Christian youth conference a few summers ago, and one of the speakers was talking about the song "This Little Light of Mine". He objected, telling us that it's more like a "FREAKING HUGE BONFIRE".
I think I like his way of seeing things better. You? I mean, I personally rather be a bonfire for God than a candle. And it's wholly possible, considering Who's inside of us.
Another perspective: Would you call Jesus a candle? "Aw, be careful going by him, he might just blow out!" Um, no, dear. He cast out demons, healed the sick, and suffered the cross for us. And then he said we'd do greater things than these. Now, if Jesus isn't a candle, and we're going to do greater things, we can't possibly be classified as candles. It doesn't work out. And if you get a lot of bonfires, really close together...
WILDFIRE
I don't think I'd want to put it out. Let God burn in us for a while, and maybe He'd do more than hand someone a tract. Maybe we'd see Him move like never before, and maybe He'd touch some hearts for real. Love on people. Actually, I believe He would. If His people, their hearts full of His love, start burning like bonfires instead of candles, He's going to do something with that fire. I mean, it can't really be there without Him, and if He stirs something up, then He'll take it somewhere beyond our imagination. All we have to do is say, "Yes, bring on the oxygen, feed this fire!" Passion for His name. Be a bonfire, and spread some pure, true love to a hurting soul today. Whether it's a Christian or non-Christian friend who's down, needs encouragement, or maybe even a stranger He points out to you, you have a responsibility.
Luke 12:48 (NLT)
"But someone who does not know, and then does something wrong, will be punished only lightly. When someone has been given much, much will be required in return; and when someone has been entrusted with much, even more will be required."
You've been given much, dear heart. Entrusted with God's love. Even if you're still receiving (as we all are), or healing from something, you have a start. The love that we know from Jesus is precious and priceless, and qualifies as "much" in every language. There are those who need it desperately, and haven't been shown the way. Whether they're completely empty, or have had a taste, maybe they need what you have. Maybe it looks like they're okay, but... could you check again? Many broken people look happy at church and in social settings. Are they a candle about to go out?
See, it's like this: I was at a Christian youth conference a few summers ago, and one of the speakers was talking about the song "This Little Light of Mine". He objected, telling us that it's more like a "FREAKING HUGE BONFIRE".
I think I like his way of seeing things better. You? I mean, I personally rather be a bonfire for God than a candle. And it's wholly possible, considering Who's inside of us.
Another perspective: Would you call Jesus a candle? "Aw, be careful going by him, he might just blow out!" Um, no, dear. He cast out demons, healed the sick, and suffered the cross for us. And then he said we'd do greater things than these. Now, if Jesus isn't a candle, and we're going to do greater things, we can't possibly be classified as candles. It doesn't work out. And if you get a lot of bonfires, really close together...
WILDFIRE
I don't think I'd want to put it out. Let God burn in us for a while, and maybe He'd do more than hand someone a tract. Maybe we'd see Him move like never before, and maybe He'd touch some hearts for real. Love on people. Actually, I believe He would. If His people, their hearts full of His love, start burning like bonfires instead of candles, He's going to do something with that fire. I mean, it can't really be there without Him, and if He stirs something up, then He'll take it somewhere beyond our imagination. All we have to do is say, "Yes, bring on the oxygen, feed this fire!" Passion for His name. Be a bonfire, and spread some pure, true love to a hurting soul today. Whether it's a Christian or non-Christian friend who's down, needs encouragement, or maybe even a stranger He points out to you, you have a responsibility.
Luke 12:48 (NLT)
"But someone who does not know, and then does something wrong, will be punished only lightly. When someone has been given much, much will be required in return; and when someone has been entrusted with much, even more will be required."
You've been given much, dear heart. Entrusted with God's love. Even if you're still receiving (as we all are), or healing from something, you have a start. The love that we know from Jesus is precious and priceless, and qualifies as "much" in every language. There are those who need it desperately, and haven't been shown the way. Whether they're completely empty, or have had a taste, maybe they need what you have. Maybe it looks like they're okay, but... could you check again? Many broken people look happy at church and in social settings. Are they a candle about to go out?
Monday, August 23, 2010
Forgiving Myself
I'm slowly getting past my dulled senses and the surface joy that I've gotten by on lately. God is so good to stick with me through thick fog and thin hope. I'm looking forward to things again, and I think I feel Him here with me. My peace is trickling back now, a small stream of hope and comfort. Thank you, Lord Jesus.
The above was written sometime last week. Tonight is restless and difficult. I'm realizing things as I type, such as what's making it hard for me to get alone with God. I have a hard time forgiving myself for my mistakes, especially those that affect other people. If I mess up with something practical, that's one thing. Messing up involving a person is a whole 'nother ball game. Even if it's something small, I'll beat myself up for it accordingly. When it's bigger, it's worse, and I'm frustrated. I take the responsibility of how I affect people very seriously.
How does this affect being with God? I think it has to do with me not considering myself worthy of His love, or something to that effect. Sounds harsh, I know. Sounds like a thousand Bible verses saying otherwise. I know that He thinks much better of me than I think of myself. He sees His perfect Son when He looks at me. He sees a saint, the old sinner washed away in Jesus' blood. Who am I to act as though I know better than Him who He ought to be with? Who He ought to love? He IS love. If He says, "Dear heart, you're worth it." than who am I to speak doubt?
My actions here are cheapening His love for me, saying that it's not great enough to cover my pain and the pain that I've inflicted. Perhaps it's partially pride. I know not at this point.
Whoa. Sorry, God. It's amazing how simply writing this out solidifies it, strengthens it. This really is what I'm doing and going through, and it's hurting two principle people:
Me, and Him. My one true love, my Lord Christ. Who am I to say, "Turn and look the other way."? He longs to heal my heart, and I wish to hide in my shame. I hate to hurt the people whom He loves, the ones that I have come to love. I don't want Him to give me another chance sometimes, because I don't want to mess it up again. But I know that there's more. I know that He has plans to use me. Knowledge that needs to be taken to heart, for sure.
Mmm. I so look forward to resting in Him when all is said and done. Oh, for the day that I go to Him as a beautiful wreck, worn from this world and all that it holds, and He takes me in. God, I do look forward to that.
Right now I've got Pandora.com up. My Skillet radio is helping me to breathe and to feel. Going through something big can numb my emotions. After a few hard cries [or sometimes several], my subconscious is finding ways to cope and dissuade the pain. Lay Down My Pride (Jeremy Camp), Breathe You In (Thousand Foot Krutch), Breathe Today (EP version) (Flyleaf), More Than a Love Song (Fireflight), and Falling Inside the Black (Skillet) have hit just the right chords for me tonight, as they've lined up in play. Learn to Breathe (also Thousand Foot Krutch) is playing now. Powerful rock songs from Christian bands? Yes, thanks. Music is such a gift from God.
A side thought: I realize that my lack of blogging is not entirely because it is in and of itself difficult, but for the hesitation of what's been on my heart. These words are raw, and not all together joyous. They're vulnerable and real. Take it or leave it, friend. God's slowly healing me through these written words, and to give them up would be a partial suicide.
The above was written sometime last week. Tonight is restless and difficult. I'm realizing things as I type, such as what's making it hard for me to get alone with God. I have a hard time forgiving myself for my mistakes, especially those that affect other people. If I mess up with something practical, that's one thing. Messing up involving a person is a whole 'nother ball game. Even if it's something small, I'll beat myself up for it accordingly. When it's bigger, it's worse, and I'm frustrated. I take the responsibility of how I affect people very seriously.
How does this affect being with God? I think it has to do with me not considering myself worthy of His love, or something to that effect. Sounds harsh, I know. Sounds like a thousand Bible verses saying otherwise. I know that He thinks much better of me than I think of myself. He sees His perfect Son when He looks at me. He sees a saint, the old sinner washed away in Jesus' blood. Who am I to act as though I know better than Him who He ought to be with? Who He ought to love? He IS love. If He says, "Dear heart, you're worth it." than who am I to speak doubt?
My actions here are cheapening His love for me, saying that it's not great enough to cover my pain and the pain that I've inflicted. Perhaps it's partially pride. I know not at this point.
Whoa. Sorry, God. It's amazing how simply writing this out solidifies it, strengthens it. This really is what I'm doing and going through, and it's hurting two principle people:
Me, and Him. My one true love, my Lord Christ. Who am I to say, "Turn and look the other way."? He longs to heal my heart, and I wish to hide in my shame. I hate to hurt the people whom He loves, the ones that I have come to love. I don't want Him to give me another chance sometimes, because I don't want to mess it up again. But I know that there's more. I know that He has plans to use me. Knowledge that needs to be taken to heart, for sure.
Mmm. I so look forward to resting in Him when all is said and done. Oh, for the day that I go to Him as a beautiful wreck, worn from this world and all that it holds, and He takes me in. God, I do look forward to that.
Right now I've got Pandora.com up. My Skillet radio is helping me to breathe and to feel. Going through something big can numb my emotions. After a few hard cries [or sometimes several], my subconscious is finding ways to cope and dissuade the pain. Lay Down My Pride (Jeremy Camp), Breathe You In (Thousand Foot Krutch), Breathe Today (EP version) (Flyleaf), More Than a Love Song (Fireflight), and Falling Inside the Black (Skillet) have hit just the right chords for me tonight, as they've lined up in play. Learn to Breathe (also Thousand Foot Krutch) is playing now. Powerful rock songs from Christian bands? Yes, thanks. Music is such a gift from God.
A side thought: I realize that my lack of blogging is not entirely because it is in and of itself difficult, but for the hesitation of what's been on my heart. These words are raw, and not all together joyous. They're vulnerable and real. Take it or leave it, friend. God's slowly healing me through these written words, and to give them up would be a partial suicide.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
An Anonymous Letter
I was at youth group last Friday night when my friend Michaela C. approached me. She told me that she'd found a letter with my name on it at the last Well meeting and picked it up for me, though she guessed I'd already seen it. The envelope had gotten wet and then dried, was worn and somewhat torn. I'd no prior idea of its existence, and was perplexed and intrigued.
The letter is dated September 18, 2009, and I have no earthly idea who wrote it, other than knowing that it's someone from my church. If you did and you're reading this, then thank you. It's so weird, because parts of it touch me more than you can know with current circumstances. God has amazing timing. I thought I'd share it here, though I cannot do the beautiful handwriting justice:
Dearest Laura,
You may be wondering who this letter is actually from, but that is not the purpose of this.
I want you to know that you are very beautiful. I'm sure that more than a few boys have noticed this.
But that is why you need to be extra careful. Guard your heart and your foot-steps. You are a woman now, and I will tell you this: wait upon the Almighty, and he will show you the One you are to spend your life with.
I know the recent events of your family life have been a challenge and even scary. For I too know what it is like when a family member has a heart attack. God has a purpose for everything. The smallest crack in the sidewalk does not go unnoticed by the Lord, how much more the events of life.
I love you,
and remember,
You are never alone.
This is an absolute blessing in more ways than one. The sign-off as much as the rest of the letter. If you wrote this, I hope that you know.
For you others reading this, please take it as an encouragement yourself. I was wowed and moved to tears by whoever took the time to write this to me, the actual letter, and the time of reception. Maybe it will touch you in some way as well.
I'd also like to apologize for not blogging much lately. I thought I'd share this, and will try to write something of my own again in the next few days. Maybe I'll just type up what I've written in my notebook lately. Either way, God bless, and thanks for reading.
The letter is dated September 18, 2009, and I have no earthly idea who wrote it, other than knowing that it's someone from my church. If you did and you're reading this, then thank you. It's so weird, because parts of it touch me more than you can know with current circumstances. God has amazing timing. I thought I'd share it here, though I cannot do the beautiful handwriting justice:
Dearest Laura,
You may be wondering who this letter is actually from, but that is not the purpose of this.
I want you to know that you are very beautiful. I'm sure that more than a few boys have noticed this.
But that is why you need to be extra careful. Guard your heart and your foot-steps. You are a woman now, and I will tell you this: wait upon the Almighty, and he will show you the One you are to spend your life with.
I know the recent events of your family life have been a challenge and even scary. For I too know what it is like when a family member has a heart attack. God has a purpose for everything. The smallest crack in the sidewalk does not go unnoticed by the Lord, how much more the events of life.
I love you,
and remember,
You are never alone.
This is an absolute blessing in more ways than one. The sign-off as much as the rest of the letter. If you wrote this, I hope that you know.
For you others reading this, please take it as an encouragement yourself. I was wowed and moved to tears by whoever took the time to write this to me, the actual letter, and the time of reception. Maybe it will touch you in some way as well.
I'd also like to apologize for not blogging much lately. I thought I'd share this, and will try to write something of my own again in the next few days. Maybe I'll just type up what I've written in my notebook lately. Either way, God bless, and thanks for reading.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Grabbing My Notebook
I have never been forsaken. Never will be. Maybe by people, but not by God. He looks at me with love that passes far beyond anything this world has to offer. He doesn't double-cross, He's not a double-agent. He's got my back. He's got my heart. He's got my life, my love, my trust. He's got all of me. Sometimes I stray. Sometimes everything hurts. Sometimes I can't think straight. All the time, He is watching over me.
And yet, I don't always surrender my whole heart. Some days, I'm just too busy. Hm... oh, and I need to get to bed on time. I've got SUCH a full schedule tomorrow. I mean, my word, is it packed. I'll talk to God the day after that. He'll understand.
No, dear. He's a jealous God. He longs to spend time with you. Talking with your Beloved is such an important part of a full life. No serious relationship can work if you don't communicate with one another. You can't learn to trust someone if you don't know who they are deep inside, within their heart of hearts. It's just that way with God. Take that time to simply be with Him, the way you would be with any other person whom you love dearly.
So, maybe, I'll get up a little earlier, grab my notebook, and talk to Him. One of the easiest ways for me to pray is to write. Sometimes it's easier for me to express "what's up?" with pencil and paper, or keyboard and screen, then to verbalize it, or form it into thoughts. Especially when I've got jumbled thoughts and prayers flowing through my stream of consciousness like my blood flows through my veins. There's something about getting it right there in front of me, in physical form, that helps me process things. Thank God for that.
What if we all found a constructive outlet for emotions? Like sports, exercise, drama/theatre, dance, sketching or painting, writing, singing or playing an instrument, or even reading a book. In addition, talking to friends and/or family can help a lot, but there's not always someone you can trust nearby. You've got to know that who you're talking to won't fade out, or turn on you. How can you?
I have this great secret! Lean in close:
There's always God! He's always listening, watching. He is attentive, He knows where your heart is. No matter what form of communication you choose, He picks up your signals, even if they're in smoke. He made you. You're a hand-crafted, unique, incredible person. You've got your own gifts and abilities, and often as not, the same things you do for the love of it can help you cope with the pain of life. Often, the passion fueled by heartache can create something uniquely beautiful, that you would never have mastered otherwise. Think about it. Maybe some good really can come out of this mess of me.
And yet, I don't always surrender my whole heart. Some days, I'm just too busy. Hm... oh, and I need to get to bed on time. I've got SUCH a full schedule tomorrow. I mean, my word, is it packed. I'll talk to God the day after that. He'll understand.
No, dear. He's a jealous God. He longs to spend time with you. Talking with your Beloved is such an important part of a full life. No serious relationship can work if you don't communicate with one another. You can't learn to trust someone if you don't know who they are deep inside, within their heart of hearts. It's just that way with God. Take that time to simply be with Him, the way you would be with any other person whom you love dearly.
So, maybe, I'll get up a little earlier, grab my notebook, and talk to Him. One of the easiest ways for me to pray is to write. Sometimes it's easier for me to express "what's up?" with pencil and paper, or keyboard and screen, then to verbalize it, or form it into thoughts. Especially when I've got jumbled thoughts and prayers flowing through my stream of consciousness like my blood flows through my veins. There's something about getting it right there in front of me, in physical form, that helps me process things. Thank God for that.
What if we all found a constructive outlet for emotions? Like sports, exercise, drama/theatre, dance, sketching or painting, writing, singing or playing an instrument, or even reading a book. In addition, talking to friends and/or family can help a lot, but there's not always someone you can trust nearby. You've got to know that who you're talking to won't fade out, or turn on you. How can you?
I have this great secret! Lean in close:
There's always God! He's always listening, watching. He is attentive, He knows where your heart is. No matter what form of communication you choose, He picks up your signals, even if they're in smoke. He made you. You're a hand-crafted, unique, incredible person. You've got your own gifts and abilities, and often as not, the same things you do for the love of it can help you cope with the pain of life. Often, the passion fueled by heartache can create something uniquely beautiful, that you would never have mastered otherwise. Think about it. Maybe some good really can come out of this mess of me.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Letting Go
I've had writer's block for the past while. There's been so much battling for my attention, that it's been hard to clear my thoughts, much less to write them with a definitive purpose. Forgive me. It's time to spill my thoughts again.
One of the hardest things to do in life is to let go. No matter how many reasons you have to, or how your friends back you up (or the much worse alternative of making the change alone). No matter how strongly God confirms a decision, it can hurt, and badly.
Not to mention that, once you have let go, you've got to make sure that you don't pick it back up. Sometimes it's OK to ease back in once circumstances have changed, with specific situations, but if you aren't absolutely sure that they have, then it can be even harder to drop it the second time around. It's a deadly circle.
For instance...
The insecure security of keeping to yourself, and you finally let go, open up. It's frightening to trust someone if you've locked love out of your heart.What if they aren't who they seem? What if they drop you cold? Maybe you don't mean so much to them... maybe they don't really care. The pain will stick like gorilla duct tape if it ends badly. It doesn't even have to be romantic; a girl or guy friend can hurt you as badly, sometimes worse, than a romantic interest. You back away, maybe even when they've begun to prove themselves, and there it goes. It's too much.
Maybe, in another light, a friendship takes a wrong turn, and you've got to cut it off. I've learned multiple times how painful that can be, even if it's the best thing for the both of you. You've become accustomed to this person's companionship. Perhaps someone of the opposite sex and you can talk together, understand each other, laugh like crazy, and talk about God. You're too young to think of it being more, yet you become emotionally involved all the same. You acknowledge to one another your interest, and you can't go back to a simple friendship. You must let go, or it'll be distracting and damaging, riddled with temptation and complication. Now you've lost your best friend. Bring on the twisting knives, the confusion, and the wish that you could fix it. More sticky pain, clinging to your life.
So, someone hurt you. Whether intentionally or not, they affected you greatly, and you're left to sort through it all. So much bitterness and pain has the chance to take a hold of you, so many doubts and sorrows. You can make decisions here that will effect you the rest of your life. Will you amend the situation to the best of your abilities, and let go of what you can't control? Or will you let it control you... fester inside of you? Will you trust God to bring good out of every situation, no matter how dark and glowering it may seem?
Love, you've got to. It's incredibly important. If you want to live, really live, without resentment, bitterness, and anger (note that these can be toward someone else, OR toward yourself), you've got to let go, and let God. Dearest,
"You can run away to fields of gray,
or stay and see who you were meant to be."
That's a bit of poetry that I came up with. I've tried to live by it for a while now, and I'm slowly getting there. God's helping me all along this way. It's a tricky road, a lane with potholes and ruts galore. But guess what? He'll dance you through it. A crack in the cement is nothing - if He sweeps you off your feet and spins you over it. Believe me, His footing's sure, trustworthy. For the guys, He'll run it with you like an army track, jumping and rolling right there with you. He's got your back, and His gun's loaded. There ain't nothin' that He can't get'cha out of, but you gotta let Him. Ask Him. Let go of your control.
It's worth it. I've been there - I know. I live in more freedom than I did two years ago. And it's all because of His work. Think about it, will you?
Let go, love. With God, all things are possible.
One of the hardest things to do in life is to let go. No matter how many reasons you have to, or how your friends back you up (or the much worse alternative of making the change alone). No matter how strongly God confirms a decision, it can hurt, and badly.
Not to mention that, once you have let go, you've got to make sure that you don't pick it back up. Sometimes it's OK to ease back in once circumstances have changed, with specific situations, but if you aren't absolutely sure that they have, then it can be even harder to drop it the second time around. It's a deadly circle.
For instance...
The insecure security of keeping to yourself, and you finally let go, open up. It's frightening to trust someone if you've locked love out of your heart.What if they aren't who they seem? What if they drop you cold? Maybe you don't mean so much to them... maybe they don't really care. The pain will stick like gorilla duct tape if it ends badly. It doesn't even have to be romantic; a girl or guy friend can hurt you as badly, sometimes worse, than a romantic interest. You back away, maybe even when they've begun to prove themselves, and there it goes. It's too much.
Maybe, in another light, a friendship takes a wrong turn, and you've got to cut it off. I've learned multiple times how painful that can be, even if it's the best thing for the both of you. You've become accustomed to this person's companionship. Perhaps someone of the opposite sex and you can talk together, understand each other, laugh like crazy, and talk about God. You're too young to think of it being more, yet you become emotionally involved all the same. You acknowledge to one another your interest, and you can't go back to a simple friendship. You must let go, or it'll be distracting and damaging, riddled with temptation and complication. Now you've lost your best friend. Bring on the twisting knives, the confusion, and the wish that you could fix it. More sticky pain, clinging to your life.
So, someone hurt you. Whether intentionally or not, they affected you greatly, and you're left to sort through it all. So much bitterness and pain has the chance to take a hold of you, so many doubts and sorrows. You can make decisions here that will effect you the rest of your life. Will you amend the situation to the best of your abilities, and let go of what you can't control? Or will you let it control you... fester inside of you? Will you trust God to bring good out of every situation, no matter how dark and glowering it may seem?
Love, you've got to. It's incredibly important. If you want to live, really live, without resentment, bitterness, and anger (note that these can be toward someone else, OR toward yourself), you've got to let go, and let God. Dearest,
"You can run away to fields of gray,
or stay and see who you were meant to be."
That's a bit of poetry that I came up with. I've tried to live by it for a while now, and I'm slowly getting there. God's helping me all along this way. It's a tricky road, a lane with potholes and ruts galore. But guess what? He'll dance you through it. A crack in the cement is nothing - if He sweeps you off your feet and spins you over it. Believe me, His footing's sure, trustworthy. For the guys, He'll run it with you like an army track, jumping and rolling right there with you. He's got your back, and His gun's loaded. There ain't nothin' that He can't get'cha out of, but you gotta let Him. Ask Him. Let go of your control.
It's worth it. I've been there - I know. I live in more freedom than I did two years ago. And it's all because of His work. Think about it, will you?
Let go, love. With God, all things are possible.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
A Beautiful Puzzle
God has mind-blowing, amazing intricacy.
When He's fond of an idea, He sets up every little, tiny piece to fall into place absolutely perfectly, and connects it to every other little piece, in all the puzzles of your life. It's incredible, beautiful, and far beyond me. I have an analytical, plan ahead, imaginative, detail-oriented, creative, inquisitive, easily intrigued mind. I think of all the possible outcomes of even a small situation for the fun of it.
The intensity of precision and care that God weaves into my life is absolutely astonishing, touching, and heart-exploding beautiful. I am overwhelmed by His thoughts for me.
All because He loves me. He's good. It's His very nature to be good. When something bad is happening, it's not from Him. He allows us to sin, and allows the sins of others to hurt us, because He's given us free will. If we didn't have the choice to do wrong, we wouldn't have the choice to do right. We wouldn't be able to truly choose having a relationship with Him. And when wrong is chosen and done, there are consequences.
Not to mention an arch-Enemy who wants to rip our hearts apart to keep us from fulfilling our destinies as children of God, and will do anything and use anyone open to him to do so.
No biggie.
No, really, "The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."
(Deuteronomy 31:8, NIV)
"Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you, I will hold you up with my victorious right hand."
(Isaiah 41:10, NLT)
He holds the whole world in His hands. Those hands are the safest place for my heart and my life, and I plan to leave them there. He made me who I am for a purpose, and He has a master plan. I have a feeling that I'm going to love it.
Truly, He's piecing my puzzle together and painting it beautifully.
When He's fond of an idea, He sets up every little, tiny piece to fall into place absolutely perfectly, and connects it to every other little piece, in all the puzzles of your life. It's incredible, beautiful, and far beyond me. I have an analytical, plan ahead, imaginative, detail-oriented, creative, inquisitive, easily intrigued mind. I think of all the possible outcomes of even a small situation for the fun of it.
The intensity of precision and care that God weaves into my life is absolutely astonishing, touching, and heart-exploding beautiful. I am overwhelmed by His thoughts for me.
All because He loves me. He's good. It's His very nature to be good. When something bad is happening, it's not from Him. He allows us to sin, and allows the sins of others to hurt us, because He's given us free will. If we didn't have the choice to do wrong, we wouldn't have the choice to do right. We wouldn't be able to truly choose having a relationship with Him. And when wrong is chosen and done, there are consequences.
Not to mention an arch-Enemy who wants to rip our hearts apart to keep us from fulfilling our destinies as children of God, and will do anything and use anyone open to him to do so.
No biggie.
No, really, "The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."
(Deuteronomy 31:8, NIV)
"Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you, I will hold you up with my victorious right hand."
(Isaiah 41:10, NLT)
He holds the whole world in His hands. Those hands are the safest place for my heart and my life, and I plan to leave them there. He made me who I am for a purpose, and He has a master plan. I have a feeling that I'm going to love it.
Truly, He's piecing my puzzle together and painting it beautifully.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
When We Feel Loved
Everything is better when we feel loved.
Everything.
You don't mind doing dishes so much, waiting a few more minutes is OK. You'll talk to almost anyone and enjoy it, whether you normally get along or not. The list goes on. We can get through something unpleasant and/or painful oh, so much faster if someone's there to support us and love on us. We don't feel quite so lost, because someone cares to know what's happening, and is willing to help.
Sometimes, there is an unspoken love in the midst of a struggle. When I was at church a fortnight ago, I was having a bad week. Just not feeling myself, and so forth. I felt stressed, and my mind wouldn't stop whirling. Without a word, my friend Michaela C. came and started playing with my hair. She sang softly near my ear, and simply cared for me. Within a few short minutes, my heart had calmed down and my mind was able to still and to focus. Michaela didn't know what was going on, but she had noticed that I wasn't myself. She didn't ignore me, she came to help and made herself available. It touched me greatly, and completely changed my night. As good as a deep conversation can be, you need the little things to fill the cracks.
At the end of the day, the best you can do is to love from your heart. If you pay attention, you may just find that you have a lot to give, things you may've overlooked before. Let God guide you in your actions, to edify and to encourage, whether in a big or a small way. The ultimate affect doesn't always vary on the gravity of the situation.
Everything.
You don't mind doing dishes so much, waiting a few more minutes is OK. You'll talk to almost anyone and enjoy it, whether you normally get along or not. The list goes on. We can get through something unpleasant and/or painful oh, so much faster if someone's there to support us and love on us. We don't feel quite so lost, because someone cares to know what's happening, and is willing to help.
Sometimes, there is an unspoken love in the midst of a struggle. When I was at church a fortnight ago, I was having a bad week. Just not feeling myself, and so forth. I felt stressed, and my mind wouldn't stop whirling. Without a word, my friend Michaela C. came and started playing with my hair. She sang softly near my ear, and simply cared for me. Within a few short minutes, my heart had calmed down and my mind was able to still and to focus. Michaela didn't know what was going on, but she had noticed that I wasn't myself. She didn't ignore me, she came to help and made herself available. It touched me greatly, and completely changed my night. As good as a deep conversation can be, you need the little things to fill the cracks.
At the end of the day, the best you can do is to love from your heart. If you pay attention, you may just find that you have a lot to give, things you may've overlooked before. Let God guide you in your actions, to edify and to encourage, whether in a big or a small way. The ultimate affect doesn't always vary on the gravity of the situation.
Friday, July 9, 2010
A Little Poetry
I've been writing poetry for a little over 2 years now. In March 2008, I had something on my heart and needed a way to express it. As I had several friends on a forum who wrote, as well as one of my sisters, I decided to give it a shot.
After writing that first poem and receiving a lot of positive feedback, I really got into it. Whenever something pressed on my heart, either good or bad, I would write a poem about it. I've written roughly 58 poems since that start.
Here are two of my poems, each with a bit of story after it, describing what inspired the writing. I hope y'all enjoy, and commentary is welcome!
--
Nightmare
December 11th, 2008
The pain attacking in my sleep,
haunting dreams to make me weep.
Striking deep, when least expected,
once again, I'm unprotected.
Jesus, Savior, come rescue me
when I'm in chains, far from peace.
I need strong hands to pull me from,
these dark dreams, with sinister songs.
I race through streets, where dangers abound
waiting to arrest me, without a sound.
I try to wake up, from this vision
where storm winds blow, with strong derision.*
Jesus, Savior, come rescue me
when I'm in chains, far from peace.
I need strong hands to pull me from,
these dark dreams, with sinister songs.
Monsters come to life from stones,
intent on breaking every bone.
And I'm left wondering how it happened,
when fantasy pain comes into action.
Jesus, Savior, come rescue me
when I'm in chains, far from peace.
I need strong hands to pull me from,
these dark dreams, with sinister songs.
--
I've experienced actual [sometimes very bad] pain in nightmares, various times throughout my life. When I wrote this poem, it had become more frequent, and dreaming at all was frightening. I would be afraid that the dream would turn into a nightmare, and something would hurt me. Thus, the two-line stanzas.
However, any time that I could remember to call on Jesus, I would immediately wake up. Sometimes, I wouldn't be able to get the name out, or wouldn't think of it at all, but as soon as I did, I would wake up. Upon talking to a friend's dad at church, and telling him about my nightmares, he advised me to read my Bible out loud right before I go to bed, pray, etc. I'm so thankful to say that I haven't had any sort of nightmare in long months since then. Jesus, my Savior, rescued me.
*If you've read the Castaways of the Flying Dutchman series by Brian Jacques, you may find this ringing a bell. I was inspired to incorporate it because of the nightmares that Ben and Ned have of the storm that cast them into the sea.
--
Love Eclipse
May 16th, 2009
So confused, damaged,
my heart fights to feel.
So upset, wondering-
when will these wounds heal?
Dare me to move in,
I need to seek Your love.
Father, find me vulnerable,
exposed as though a dove.
Hold me in Your arms tonight
and whisper tender verse.
Eclipse me with Your love so bright,
when I am slammed and cursed.
My soul must be cared for,
my spirit filled again.
My bowl shall overflow,
when my Jesus comes in.
So Christ come near me,
I am captivated by Your face.
So glorious and beautiful,
my heart palpitates.
Sweep me into Your arms
and carry me away.
Our dance will soften harms,
Grace gifted with each sway.
--
Spring and Summer of 2009 I had a lot going on. God was dealing intensely with my heart, bringing brokenness to the surface, cleaning and healing, teaching and revealing. God will always be working in our hearts and lives, but those seasons were particularly intense, and marked the start of a lot of growth for me.
I met one of my best friends, Matthew, whom I will claim as my big brother without hesitation, just before everything started to rock. I really can't talk about that season without mentioning him, because he helped me so much. God used Matthew repeatedly, especially in teaching me to trust and to open up. I wrote this poem on a rough night, and God gave me the grace to complete it with a message of hope. With that thought, I believe it fits on this blog perfectly. God gives me hope to press on through it all, which I wish to reflect, and spread to those around me.
After writing that first poem and receiving a lot of positive feedback, I really got into it. Whenever something pressed on my heart, either good or bad, I would write a poem about it. I've written roughly 58 poems since that start.
Here are two of my poems, each with a bit of story after it, describing what inspired the writing. I hope y'all enjoy, and commentary is welcome!
--
Nightmare
December 11th, 2008
The pain attacking in my sleep,
haunting dreams to make me weep.
Striking deep, when least expected,
once again, I'm unprotected.
Jesus, Savior, come rescue me
when I'm in chains, far from peace.
I need strong hands to pull me from,
these dark dreams, with sinister songs.
I race through streets, where dangers abound
waiting to arrest me, without a sound.
I try to wake up, from this vision
where storm winds blow, with strong derision.*
Jesus, Savior, come rescue me
when I'm in chains, far from peace.
I need strong hands to pull me from,
these dark dreams, with sinister songs.
Monsters come to life from stones,
intent on breaking every bone.
And I'm left wondering how it happened,
when fantasy pain comes into action.
Jesus, Savior, come rescue me
when I'm in chains, far from peace.
I need strong hands to pull me from,
these dark dreams, with sinister songs.
--
I've experienced actual [sometimes very bad] pain in nightmares, various times throughout my life. When I wrote this poem, it had become more frequent, and dreaming at all was frightening. I would be afraid that the dream would turn into a nightmare, and something would hurt me. Thus, the two-line stanzas.
However, any time that I could remember to call on Jesus, I would immediately wake up. Sometimes, I wouldn't be able to get the name out, or wouldn't think of it at all, but as soon as I did, I would wake up. Upon talking to a friend's dad at church, and telling him about my nightmares, he advised me to read my Bible out loud right before I go to bed, pray, etc. I'm so thankful to say that I haven't had any sort of nightmare in long months since then. Jesus, my Savior, rescued me.
*If you've read the Castaways of the Flying Dutchman series by Brian Jacques, you may find this ringing a bell. I was inspired to incorporate it because of the nightmares that Ben and Ned have of the storm that cast them into the sea.
--
Love Eclipse
May 16th, 2009
So confused, damaged,
my heart fights to feel.
So upset, wondering-
when will these wounds heal?
Dare me to move in,
I need to seek Your love.
Father, find me vulnerable,
exposed as though a dove.
Hold me in Your arms tonight
and whisper tender verse.
Eclipse me with Your love so bright,
when I am slammed and cursed.
My soul must be cared for,
my spirit filled again.
My bowl shall overflow,
when my Jesus comes in.
So Christ come near me,
I am captivated by Your face.
So glorious and beautiful,
my heart palpitates.
Sweep me into Your arms
and carry me away.
Our dance will soften harms,
Grace gifted with each sway.
--
Spring and Summer of 2009 I had a lot going on. God was dealing intensely with my heart, bringing brokenness to the surface, cleaning and healing, teaching and revealing. God will always be working in our hearts and lives, but those seasons were particularly intense, and marked the start of a lot of growth for me.
I met one of my best friends, Matthew, whom I will claim as my big brother without hesitation, just before everything started to rock. I really can't talk about that season without mentioning him, because he helped me so much. God used Matthew repeatedly, especially in teaching me to trust and to open up. I wrote this poem on a rough night, and God gave me the grace to complete it with a message of hope. With that thought, I believe it fits on this blog perfectly. God gives me hope to press on through it all, which I wish to reflect, and spread to those around me.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
A Post with Flair
On Facebook, I tend to obsess over my flair collection. If you look through it, you'll find little bits of me, nicely packaged as bright buttons. I'm quite sure that I pay more attention to it than any of my friends have even considered paying it. All the same, if they do decide to check them out more thoroughly (maybe I'll get them curious by the end of this post), then they might be surprised.
For instance, one of my favorite pieces declares, "It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not." This has been so very true in my life. In insecurity, spawned from bad experiences and lies, I've insisted to myself that it can't be me; I won't make that shot, I'll look dumb trying to dance, I can't draw like that, poetry isn't coming out of my pen, and NO way is someone going to pick me over her (or him. The point is the feeling of inadequacy, in whatever situation). I mean, why would they? It's just not happening.
Along the way, however, each of these things have been proven wrong. Therefore, I AM capable of these things. It's inside of me. They're all small parts of who I am. I can make a 3-point shot.
BUT, here comes Fear. Fear says, "Hello, I'm going to eat you, so hold still." and proceeds to open his big fat mouth. He'd like very much to eat me alive. Fresh, spirited heart is his favorite thing, after all. And since he's not a very fast runner, Fear positions himself between me and my goal. He doesn't want to have to chase me down to get to me, may as well hit me where I'm already focused. We'll say that he's right smack between me and that basketball hoop. Picture a SciFi freeze-ray in his hand, too.
Me, I don't have much time to get the ball down the court and into the air before the buzzer sounds. Either I can let Fear freeze me by standing still (an open shot), I can pass the ball and run out of time (not to mention the risk of capture. My teammates are well covered by the defense), or I can push past Fear and shoot the ball.
Now, let's say that I've made that shot several times. It's very possible for me to make it. It's part of who I am, as I have that ability. I know how to judge the shot and throw the ball with enough power to cover the distance, because I've practiced. So why wouldn't I? Because Fear is one ugly monster. He's standing there, waiting to devour me. I'm quite afraid that I'll miss, and everyone will laugh/be mad at me for even trying.
The game is tied.
I HAVE to make this shot.
I can't go talk it through with a friend first for encouragement, either.
I glance at Leslie, the best player on the team, and I freak. I shouldn't've taken that ball down the court, she should have. I am such an idiot for thinking I could do it, knowing the time constraint. Pressure builds, I lose my focus. I crash into Fear, throw the ball halfheartedly, and the crowd can't help but be vocal in their disappointment, as it falls terribly short and one of my opponents catches it. Game over.
Now, what stopped me? The fact that I can make that shot (Who I am), or that Leslie can make it (who I think I'm not)? I don't stop because I can. I stop because I fear that I can't. I don't think much of myself as it is, but if I screw up and literally "drop the ball", maybe they won't like me at all. Maybe my friends will ditch me for trying something when I should've known better.
Bye-bye epic goal of the season.
Now, let's rewind, and pretend we still have the three choices: freak out/fear, pass to a guarded teammate (completely ditching your chances), take the shot.
Philippians 4:13 - "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (NKJV)
When people quote this verse, they tend to think of being able to lift a boulder over their heads. But God doesn't often give supernatural physical strength, though you can read about Samson to know that He has and can. Here, Christ strengthens our hearts to get through every hardship and painful experience (all things) that we have to deal with in this life.
Not to mention, those times where we've just seen so much pain, that it's hard to believe something good is happening. Oftentimes, it feels like too much to grasp it, because we're risking intense sorrow upon finding out that it's not. A hope shattered is a cruel thing.
Lord knows, sometimes we need more strength to risk something good or beautiful, whether an opportunity, a relationship/friendship, or that moment of victory, than when we need to suck it up and tough it out.
I'm here to tell you to take the shot.
And yes, this started with Pieces of Flair.
For instance, one of my favorite pieces declares, "It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not." This has been so very true in my life. In insecurity, spawned from bad experiences and lies, I've insisted to myself that it can't be me; I won't make that shot, I'll look dumb trying to dance, I can't draw like that, poetry isn't coming out of my pen, and NO way is someone going to pick me over her (or him. The point is the feeling of inadequacy, in whatever situation). I mean, why would they? It's just not happening.
Along the way, however, each of these things have been proven wrong. Therefore, I AM capable of these things. It's inside of me. They're all small parts of who I am. I can make a 3-point shot.
BUT, here comes Fear. Fear says, "Hello, I'm going to eat you, so hold still." and proceeds to open his big fat mouth. He'd like very much to eat me alive. Fresh, spirited heart is his favorite thing, after all. And since he's not a very fast runner, Fear positions himself between me and my goal. He doesn't want to have to chase me down to get to me, may as well hit me where I'm already focused. We'll say that he's right smack between me and that basketball hoop. Picture a SciFi freeze-ray in his hand, too.
Me, I don't have much time to get the ball down the court and into the air before the buzzer sounds. Either I can let Fear freeze me by standing still (an open shot), I can pass the ball and run out of time (not to mention the risk of capture. My teammates are well covered by the defense), or I can push past Fear and shoot the ball.
Now, let's say that I've made that shot several times. It's very possible for me to make it. It's part of who I am, as I have that ability. I know how to judge the shot and throw the ball with enough power to cover the distance, because I've practiced. So why wouldn't I? Because Fear is one ugly monster. He's standing there, waiting to devour me. I'm quite afraid that I'll miss, and everyone will laugh/be mad at me for even trying.
The game is tied.
I HAVE to make this shot.
I can't go talk it through with a friend first for encouragement, either.
I glance at Leslie, the best player on the team, and I freak. I shouldn't've taken that ball down the court, she should have. I am such an idiot for thinking I could do it, knowing the time constraint. Pressure builds, I lose my focus. I crash into Fear, throw the ball halfheartedly, and the crowd can't help but be vocal in their disappointment, as it falls terribly short and one of my opponents catches it. Game over.
Now, what stopped me? The fact that I can make that shot (Who I am), or that Leslie can make it (who I think I'm not)? I don't stop because I can. I stop because I fear that I can't. I don't think much of myself as it is, but if I screw up and literally "drop the ball", maybe they won't like me at all. Maybe my friends will ditch me for trying something when I should've known better.
Bye-bye epic goal of the season.
Now, let's rewind, and pretend we still have the three choices: freak out/fear, pass to a guarded teammate (completely ditching your chances), take the shot.
Philippians 4:13 - "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (NKJV)
When people quote this verse, they tend to think of being able to lift a boulder over their heads. But God doesn't often give supernatural physical strength, though you can read about Samson to know that He has and can. Here, Christ strengthens our hearts to get through every hardship and painful experience (all things) that we have to deal with in this life.
Not to mention, those times where we've just seen so much pain, that it's hard to believe something good is happening. Oftentimes, it feels like too much to grasp it, because we're risking intense sorrow upon finding out that it's not. A hope shattered is a cruel thing.
Lord knows, sometimes we need more strength to risk something good or beautiful, whether an opportunity, a relationship/friendship, or that moment of victory, than when we need to suck it up and tough it out.
I'm here to tell you to take the shot.
And yes, this started with Pieces of Flair.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Scripture Reflections
I am barely below giddy about my blog name and accompanying verse. Allow me to re-quote it here, "Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." which comes from 1 Corinthians 13:12, as you can see at the top of the page. I'm coming to adore this scripture, which I discovered today (though I've read it before, just without such notice), so I'm going to break it down and tell you why.
First off, I did check the context to make sure that it's legit. If you'd like a look as well, just follow this link (NIV).
"Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror;"
Recognizing that it's a bit cloudy, so to speak, here on Earth, is not rocket science. It can be hard, and we have our doubts, "Is God really there?", "Can He really hear me?", "If He can, does He even care?", "Will He come through for me?" or something similar. We can't always see, or realize, what's really going on and how God's plan is working out in the midst of a situation. This part of the verse relates to where we're at in a fallen world.
"then we shall see face to face."
Whoa. Eventually, we're going to be face to face with God, either when we die, or when Jesus comes back. Everything's going to pan out; every little detail, wrinkle, huge, awful wreckage, beautiful healing, simple joy, every tear, all of it. We'll know why this and why that. Our entire life's work will be before our eyes. This part reminds us that there's something to look forward to: looking into Jesus face as He tells us, "Well done, good and faithful servant." I believe it also means everything that happened will be right smack in front of our faces. It's right there, just like a TV show or movie in 3D, and all the little puzzle pieces will fit together.
"Now I know in part;"
Again, we can only see so much here on good ol' planet Earth. We're bonded with time, and must take our lives day by day, and moment by moment. There's no other way for us. Even when God reveals bits and pieces to us, or even large chunks, it still isn't the whole picture. That's how He created this place to be. Again, it identifies where we're at.
"then I shall know fully,"
At the end of our time block on Earth, we go either to Heaven or Hell. God knows each and every heart, and how we lived. This part is a reminder that there IS an ultimate blueprint. Satan can throw all kinds of crap at us, and we'll get frustrated with our trials and errors. But, if we look to God, He'll pick us up and carry us out of the "Pit of Despair", if you'll pardon the Princess Bride reference, and bring us back to life. You can get darned "mostly dead", but there's that "partly alive" bit to hang onto. There is always a way, whether you're walking in the sunshine or dark, stormy, figurative weather. At the end, we'll see it all fit together.
"even as I am fully known."
I absolutely love this ending to the verse. I am fully known. Even when I don't know who I am, there's Someone who does. Even when I don't like who I've become, He wants to woo my heart back to Himself. Why? Because He crafted me, specially made, to be beautiful and to serve a very specific purpose. My heart, the very core of my being, is exciting to Him. He knows it well, as He designed it for a purpose. He wants me to be open to Him, because He knows that there's some darn good stuff in there.
I want to expand on this point, from a different angle. Even when I feel alone, like no one in the world really knows me or cares, He does. I am fully known. Even when someone mistakes my good intentions for something bad or hurtful, He knows exactly where I came from. And He's proud of me.
First off, I did check the context to make sure that it's legit. If you'd like a look as well, just follow this link (NIV).
"Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror;"
Recognizing that it's a bit cloudy, so to speak, here on Earth, is not rocket science. It can be hard, and we have our doubts, "Is God really there?", "Can He really hear me?", "If He can, does He even care?", "Will He come through for me?" or something similar. We can't always see, or realize, what's really going on and how God's plan is working out in the midst of a situation. This part of the verse relates to where we're at in a fallen world.
"then we shall see face to face."
Whoa. Eventually, we're going to be face to face with God, either when we die, or when Jesus comes back. Everything's going to pan out; every little detail, wrinkle, huge, awful wreckage, beautiful healing, simple joy, every tear, all of it. We'll know why this and why that. Our entire life's work will be before our eyes. This part reminds us that there's something to look forward to: looking into Jesus face as He tells us, "Well done, good and faithful servant." I believe it also means everything that happened will be right smack in front of our faces. It's right there, just like a TV show or movie in 3D, and all the little puzzle pieces will fit together.
"Now I know in part;"
Again, we can only see so much here on good ol' planet Earth. We're bonded with time, and must take our lives day by day, and moment by moment. There's no other way for us. Even when God reveals bits and pieces to us, or even large chunks, it still isn't the whole picture. That's how He created this place to be. Again, it identifies where we're at.
"then I shall know fully,"
At the end of our time block on Earth, we go either to Heaven or Hell. God knows each and every heart, and how we lived. This part is a reminder that there IS an ultimate blueprint. Satan can throw all kinds of crap at us, and we'll get frustrated with our trials and errors. But, if we look to God, He'll pick us up and carry us out of the "Pit of Despair", if you'll pardon the Princess Bride reference, and bring us back to life. You can get darned "mostly dead", but there's that "partly alive" bit to hang onto. There is always a way, whether you're walking in the sunshine or dark, stormy, figurative weather. At the end, we'll see it all fit together.
"even as I am fully known."
I absolutely love this ending to the verse. I am fully known. Even when I don't know who I am, there's Someone who does. Even when I don't like who I've become, He wants to woo my heart back to Himself. Why? Because He crafted me, specially made, to be beautiful and to serve a very specific purpose. My heart, the very core of my being, is exciting to Him. He knows it well, as He designed it for a purpose. He wants me to be open to Him, because He knows that there's some darn good stuff in there.
I want to expand on this point, from a different angle. Even when I feel alone, like no one in the world really knows me or cares, He does. I am fully known. Even when someone mistakes my good intentions for something bad or hurtful, He knows exactly where I came from. And He's proud of me.
First Thoughts
The title 'Reflected Hope' was sudden inspiration last night. This morning, I searched biblegateway.com with the keyword "reflection", and was rather taken with the verse that it gave me, which is now the description.
I like to give exactly the intended impression. I want to get my point across the way it was meant to cross, and arrive at its destination without a scratch. Course, sometimes the bridge breaks, it falls into a river, and so I go on for a few paragraphs to clear up the confusion of each preceding paragraph. Can't say I didn't warn you. But, you can feel free to leave comments, ask questions, and suggest topics.
I really miss writing poetry consistently, but I haven't had the proper inspiration for what seems like ages. In reality, it's been 3 months. Since I haven't shown the bulk of my writing to more than 2 or 3 people, I think I'll give y'all one of my favorite poems. I wrote it midnight of July 3rd, 2009.
Waiting
An unknown clock is ticking
as time evades my grasp.
My mind insists on tricking,
my words come out in rasp.
My burdened heart is pounding,
now lonely in the dark.
This pain is now resounding
as battle makes its mark.
My tearful face is hiding
from watchful eyes around.
The depth within residing-
claustrophobically profound.*
If only you were seeing
this hurt still held inside.
Your strength, it could be freeing,
if standing by my side.
So here I will be waiting
for you to come again.
The seconds will be rating
with paper and a pen.
*No, I don't care that "claustrophobically" isn't in the dictionary. It's called artistic license.
I like to give exactly the intended impression. I want to get my point across the way it was meant to cross, and arrive at its destination without a scratch. Course, sometimes the bridge breaks, it falls into a river, and so I go on for a few paragraphs to clear up the confusion of each preceding paragraph. Can't say I didn't warn you. But, you can feel free to leave comments, ask questions, and suggest topics.
I really miss writing poetry consistently, but I haven't had the proper inspiration for what seems like ages. In reality, it's been 3 months. Since I haven't shown the bulk of my writing to more than 2 or 3 people, I think I'll give y'all one of my favorite poems. I wrote it midnight of July 3rd, 2009.
Waiting
An unknown clock is ticking
as time evades my grasp.
My mind insists on tricking,
my words come out in rasp.
My burdened heart is pounding,
now lonely in the dark.
This pain is now resounding
as battle makes its mark.
My tearful face is hiding
from watchful eyes around.
The depth within residing-
claustrophobically profound.*
If only you were seeing
this hurt still held inside.
Your strength, it could be freeing,
if standing by my side.
So here I will be waiting
for you to come again.
The seconds will be rating
with paper and a pen.
*No, I don't care that "claustrophobically" isn't in the dictionary. It's called artistic license.
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