Letting Go

I've had writer's block for the past while. There's been so much battling for my attention, that it's been hard to clear my thoughts, much less to write them with a definitive purpose. Forgive me. It's time to spill my thoughts again.

One of the hardest things to do in life is to let go. No matter how many reasons you have to, or how your friends back you up (or the much worse alternative of making the change alone). No matter how strongly God confirms a decision, it can hurt, and badly.

Not to mention that, once you have let go, you've got to make sure that you don't pick it back up. Sometimes it's OK to ease back in once circumstances have changed, with specific situations, but if you aren't absolutely sure that they have, then it can be even harder to drop it the second time around. It's a deadly circle.

For instance...

The insecure security of keeping to yourself, and you finally let go, open up. It's frightening to trust someone if you've locked love out of your heart.What if they aren't who they seem? What if they drop you cold? Maybe you don't mean so much to them... maybe they don't really care. The pain will stick like gorilla duct tape if it ends badly. It doesn't even have to be romantic; a girl or guy friend can hurt you as badly, sometimes worse, than a romantic interest. You back away, maybe even when they've begun to prove themselves, and there it goes. It's too much.

Maybe, in another light, a friendship takes a wrong turn, and you've got to cut it off. I've learned multiple times how painful that can be, even if it's the best thing for the both of you. You've become accustomed to this person's companionship. Perhaps someone of the opposite sex and you can talk together, understand each other, laugh like crazy, and talk about God. You're too young to think of it being more, yet you become emotionally involved all the same. You acknowledge to one another your interest, and you can't go back to a simple friendship. You must let go, or it'll be distracting and damaging, riddled with temptation and complication. Now you've lost your best friend. Bring on the twisting knives, the confusion, and the wish that you could fix it. More sticky pain, clinging to your life.

So, someone hurt you. Whether intentionally or not, they affected you greatly, and you're left to sort through it all. So much bitterness and pain has the chance to take a hold of you, so many doubts and sorrows. You can make decisions here that will effect you the rest of your life. Will you amend the situation to the best of your abilities, and let go of what you can't control? Or will you let it control you... fester inside of you? Will you trust God to bring good out of every situation, no matter how dark and glowering it may seem?

Love, you've got to. It's incredibly important. If you want to live, really live, without resentment, bitterness, and anger (note that these can be toward someone else, OR toward yourself), you've got to let go, and let God. Dearest,

"You can run away to fields of gray,
or stay and see who you were meant to be."

That's a bit of poetry that I came up with. I've tried to live by it for a while now, and I'm slowly getting there. God's helping me all along this way. It's a tricky road, a lane with potholes and ruts galore. But guess what? He'll dance you through it. A crack in the cement is nothing - if He sweeps you off your feet and spins you over it. Believe me, His footing's sure, trustworthy. For the guys, He'll run it with you like an army track, jumping and rolling right there with you. He's got your back, and His gun's loaded. There ain't nothin' that He can't get'cha out of, but you gotta let Him. Ask Him. Let go of your control.

It's worth it. I've been there - I know. I live in more freedom than I did two years ago. And it's all because of His work. Think about it, will you?

Let go, love. With God, all things are possible.

A Beautiful Puzzle

God has mind-blowing, amazing intricacy.

When He's fond of an idea, He sets up every little, tiny piece to fall into place absolutely perfectly, and connects it to every other little piece, in all the puzzles of your life. It's incredible, beautiful, and far beyond me. I have an analytical, plan ahead, imaginative, detail-oriented, creative, inquisitive, easily intrigued mind. I think of all the possible outcomes of even a small situation for the fun of it.

The intensity of precision and care that God weaves into my life is absolutely astonishing, touching, and heart-exploding beautiful. I am overwhelmed by His thoughts for me.

All because He loves me. He's good. It's His very nature to be good. When something bad is happening, it's not from Him. He allows us to sin, and allows the sins of others to hurt us, because He's given us free will. If we didn't have the choice to do wrong, we wouldn't have the choice to do right. We wouldn't be able to truly choose having a relationship with Him. And when wrong is chosen and done, there are consequences.

Not to mention an arch-Enemy who wants to rip our hearts apart to keep us from fulfilling our destinies as children of God, and will do anything and use anyone open to him to do so.

No biggie.

No, really, "The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."
(Deuteronomy 31:8, NIV)

"Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you, I will hold you up with my victorious right hand."
(Isaiah 41:10, NLT)

He holds the whole world in His hands. Those hands are the safest place for my heart and my life, and I plan to leave them there. He made me who I am for a purpose, and He has a master plan. I have a feeling that I'm going to love it.

Truly, He's piecing my puzzle together and painting it beautifully.

When We Feel Loved

Everything is better when we feel loved.

Everything.

You don't mind doing dishes so much, waiting a few more minutes is OK. You'll talk to almost anyone and enjoy it, whether you normally get along or not. The list goes on. We can get through something unpleasant and/or painful oh, so much faster if someone's there to support us and love on us. We don't feel quite so lost, because someone cares to know what's happening, and is willing to help.

Sometimes, there is an unspoken love in the midst of a struggle. When I was at church a fortnight ago, I was having a bad week. Just not feeling myself, and so forth. I felt stressed, and my mind wouldn't stop whirling. Without a word, my friend Michaela C. came and started playing with my hair. She sang softly near my ear, and simply cared for me. Within a few short minutes, my heart had calmed down and my mind was able to still and to focus. Michaela didn't know what was going on, but she had noticed that I wasn't myself. She didn't ignore me, she came to help and made herself available. It touched me greatly, and completely changed my night. As good as a deep conversation can be, you need the little things to fill the cracks.

At the end of the day, the best you can do is to love from your heart. If you pay attention, you may just find that you have a lot to give, things you may've overlooked before. Let God guide you in your actions, to edify and to encourage, whether in a big or a small way. The ultimate affect doesn't always vary on the gravity of the situation.

A Little Poetry

I've been writing poetry for a little over 2 years now. In March 2008, I had something on my heart and needed a way to express it. As I had several friends on a forum who wrote, as well as one of my sisters, I decided to give it a shot.

After writing that first poem and receiving a lot of positive feedback, I really got into it. Whenever something pressed on my heart, either good or bad, I would write a poem about it. I've written roughly 58 poems since that start.

Here are two of my poems, each with a bit of story after it, describing what inspired the writing. I hope y'all enjoy, and commentary is welcome!

--

Nightmare
December 11th, 2008

The pain attacking in my sleep,
haunting dreams to make me weep.

Striking deep, when least expected,
once again, I'm unprotected.

Jesus, Savior, come rescue me
when I'm in chains, far from peace.
I need strong hands to pull me from,
these dark dreams, with sinister songs.

I race through streets, where dangers abound
waiting to arrest me, without a sound.

I try to wake up, from this vision
where storm winds blow, with strong derision.*

Jesus, Savior, come rescue me
when I'm in chains, far from peace.
I need strong hands to pull me from,
these dark dreams, with sinister songs.

Monsters come to life from stones,
intent on breaking every bone.

And I'm left wondering how it happened,
when fantasy pain comes into action.

Jesus, Savior, come rescue me
when I'm in chains, far from peace.
I need strong hands to pull me from,
these dark dreams, with sinister songs.

--

I've experienced actual [sometimes very bad] pain in nightmares, various times throughout my life. When I wrote this poem, it had become more frequent, and dreaming at all was frightening. I would be afraid that the dream would turn into a nightmare, and something would hurt me. Thus, the two-line stanzas.

However, any time that I could remember to call on Jesus, I would immediately wake up. Sometimes, I wouldn't be able to get the name out, or wouldn't think of it at all, but as soon as I did, I would wake up. Upon talking to a friend's dad at church, and telling him about my nightmares, he advised me to read my Bible out loud right before I go to bed, pray, etc. I'm so thankful to say that I haven't had any sort of nightmare in long months since then. Jesus, my Savior, rescued me.

*If you've read the Castaways of the Flying Dutchman series by Brian Jacques, you may find this ringing a bell. I was inspired to incorporate it because of the nightmares that Ben and Ned have of the storm that cast them into the sea.

--

Love Eclipse
May 16th, 2009

So confused, damaged,
my heart fights to feel.
So upset, wondering-
when will these wounds heal?

Dare me to move in,
I need to seek Your love.
Father, find me vulnerable,
exposed as though a dove.

Hold me in Your arms tonight
and whisper tender verse.
Eclipse me with Your love so bright,
when I am slammed and cursed.

My soul must be cared for,
my spirit filled again.
My bowl shall overflow,
when my Jesus comes in.

So Christ come near me,
I am captivated by Your face.
So glorious and beautiful,
my heart palpitates.

Sweep me into Your arms
and carry me away.
Our dance will soften harms,
Grace gifted with each sway.

--

Spring and Summer of 2009 I had a lot going on. God was dealing intensely with my heart, bringing brokenness to the surface, cleaning and healing, teaching and revealing. God will always be working in our hearts and lives, but those seasons were particularly intense, and marked the start of a lot of growth for me.

I met one of my best friends, Matthew, whom I will claim as my big brother without hesitation, just before everything started to rock. I really can't talk about that season without mentioning him, because he helped me so much. God used Matthew repeatedly, especially in teaching me to trust and to open up. I wrote this poem on a rough night, and God gave me the grace to complete it with a message of hope. With that thought, I believe it fits on this blog perfectly. God gives me hope to press on through it all, which I wish to reflect, and spread to those around me.

A Post with Flair

On Facebook, I tend to obsess over my flair collection. If you look through it, you'll find little bits of me, nicely packaged as bright buttons. I'm quite sure that I pay more attention to it than any of my friends have even considered paying it. All the same, if they do decide to check them out more thoroughly (maybe I'll get them curious by the end of this post), then they might be surprised.

For instance, one of my favorite pieces declares, "It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not." This has been so very true in my life. In insecurity, spawned from bad experiences and lies, I've insisted to myself that it can't be me; I won't make that shot, I'll look dumb trying to dance, I can't draw like that, poetry isn't coming out of my pen, and NO way is someone going to pick me over her (or him. The point is the feeling of inadequacy, in whatever situation). I mean, why would they? It's just not happening.

Along the way, however, each of these things have been proven wrong. Therefore, I AM capable of these things. It's inside of me. They're all small parts of who I am. I can make a 3-point shot.

BUT, here comes Fear. Fear says, "Hello, I'm going to eat you, so hold still." and proceeds to open his big fat mouth. He'd like very much to eat me alive. Fresh, spirited heart is his favorite thing, after all. And since he's not a very fast runner, Fear positions himself between me and my goal. He doesn't want to have to chase me down to get to me, may as well hit me where I'm already focused. We'll say that he's right smack between me and that basketball hoop. Picture a SciFi freeze-ray in his hand, too.

Me, I don't have much time to get the ball down the court and into the air before the buzzer sounds. Either I can let Fear freeze me by standing still (an open shot), I can pass the ball and run out of time (not to mention the risk of capture. My teammates are well covered by the defense), or I can push past Fear and shoot the ball.

Now, let's say that I've made that shot several times. It's very possible for me to make it. It's part of who I am, as I have that ability. I know how to judge the shot and throw the ball with enough power to cover the distance, because I've practiced. So why wouldn't I? Because Fear is one ugly monster. He's standing there, waiting to devour me. I'm quite afraid that I'll miss, and everyone will laugh/be mad at me for even trying.

The game is tied.

I HAVE to make this shot.

I can't go talk it through with a friend first for encouragement, either.

I glance at Leslie, the best player on the team, and I freak. I shouldn't've taken that ball down the court, she should have. I am such an idiot for thinking I could do it, knowing the time constraint. Pressure builds, I lose my focus. I crash into Fear, throw the ball halfheartedly, and the crowd can't help but be vocal in their disappointment, as it falls terribly short and one of my opponents catches it. Game over.

Now, what stopped me? The fact that I can make that shot (Who I am), or that Leslie can make it (who I think I'm not)? I don't stop because I can. I stop because I fear that I can't. I don't think much of myself as it is, but if I screw up and literally "drop the ball", maybe they won't like me at all. Maybe my friends will ditch me for trying something when I should've known better.

Bye-bye epic goal of the season.

Now, let's rewind, and pretend we still have the three choices: freak out/fear, pass to a guarded teammate (completely ditching your chances), take the shot.

Philippians 4:13 - "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (NKJV)

When people quote this verse, they tend to think of being able to lift a boulder over their heads. But God doesn't often give supernatural physical strength, though you can read about Samson to know that He has and can. Here, Christ strengthens our hearts to get through every hardship and painful experience (all things) that we have to deal with in this life.

Not to mention, those times where we've just seen so much pain, that it's hard to believe something good is happening. Oftentimes, it feels like too much to grasp it, because we're risking intense sorrow upon finding out that it's not. A hope shattered is a cruel thing.

Lord knows, sometimes we need more strength to risk something good or beautiful, whether an opportunity, a relationship/friendship, or that moment of victory, than when we need to suck it up and tough it out.

I'm here to tell you to take the shot.

And yes, this started with Pieces of Flair.

Scripture Reflections

I am barely below giddy about my blog name and accompanying verse. Allow me to re-quote it here, "Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." which comes from 1 Corinthians 13:12, as you can see at the top of the page. I'm coming to adore this scripture, which I discovered today (though I've read it before, just without such notice), so I'm going to break it down and tell you why.
First off, I did check the context to make sure that it's legit. If you'd like a look as well, just follow this link (NIV).

"Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror;"
Recognizing that it's a bit cloudy, so to speak, here on Earth, is not rocket science. It can be hard, and we have our doubts, "Is God really there?", "Can He really hear me?", "If He can, does He even care?", "Will He come through for me?" or something similar. We can't always see, or realize, what's really going on and how God's plan is working out in the midst of a situation. This part of the verse relates to where we're at in a fallen world.

"then we shall see face to face."
Whoa. Eventually, we're going to be face to face with God, either when we die, or when Jesus comes back. Everything's going to pan out; every little detail, wrinkle, huge, awful wreckage, beautiful healing, simple joy, every tear, all of it. We'll know why this and why that. Our entire life's work will be before our eyes. This part reminds us that there's something to look forward to: looking into Jesus face as He tells us, "Well done, good and faithful servant." I believe it also means everything that happened will be right smack in front of our faces. It's right there, just like a TV show or movie in 3D, and all the little puzzle pieces will fit together.

"Now I know in part;"
 Again, we can only see so much here on good ol' planet Earth. We're bonded with time, and must take our lives day by day, and moment by moment. There's no other way for us. Even when God reveals bits and pieces to us, or even large chunks, it still isn't the whole picture. That's how He created this place to be. Again, it identifies where we're at.

"then I shall know fully,"
 At the end of our time block on Earth, we go either to Heaven or Hell. God knows each and every heart, and how we lived. This part is a reminder that there IS an ultimate blueprint. Satan can throw all kinds of crap at us, and we'll get frustrated with our trials and errors. But, if we look to God, He'll pick us up and carry us out of the "Pit of Despair", if you'll pardon the Princess Bride reference, and bring us back to life. You can get darned "mostly dead", but there's that "partly alive" bit to hang onto. There is always a way, whether you're walking in the sunshine or dark, stormy, figurative weather. At the end, we'll see it all fit together.

"even as I am fully known."
I absolutely love this ending to the verse. I am fully known. Even when I don't know who I am, there's Someone who does. Even when I don't like who I've become, He wants to woo my heart back to Himself. Why? Because He crafted me, specially made, to be beautiful and to serve a very specific purpose. My heart, the very core of my being, is exciting to Him. He knows it well, as He designed it for a purpose. He wants me to be open to Him, because He knows that there's some darn good stuff in there.
I want to expand on this point, from a different angle. Even when I feel alone, like no one in the world really knows me or cares, He does. I am fully known. Even when someone mistakes my good intentions for something bad or hurtful, He knows exactly where I came from. And He's proud of me.

First Thoughts

The title 'Reflected Hope' was sudden inspiration last night. This morning, I searched biblegateway.com with the keyword "reflection", and was rather taken with the verse that it gave me, which is now the description.

I like to give exactly the intended impression. I want to get my point across the way it was meant to cross, and arrive at its destination without a scratch. Course, sometimes the bridge breaks, it falls into a river, and so I go on for a few paragraphs to clear up the confusion of each preceding paragraph. Can't say I didn't warn you. But, you can feel free to leave comments, ask questions, and suggest topics.

I really miss writing poetry consistently, but I haven't had the proper inspiration for what seems like ages. In reality, it's been 3 months. Since I haven't shown the bulk of my writing to more than 2 or 3 people, I think I'll give y'all one of my favorite poems. I wrote it midnight of July 3rd, 2009.

Waiting

An unknown clock is ticking
as time evades my grasp.
My mind insists on tricking,
my words come out in rasp.

My burdened heart is pounding,
now lonely in the dark.
This pain is now resounding
as battle makes its mark.

My tearful face is hiding
from watchful eyes around.
The depth within residing-
claustrophobically profound.*

If only you were seeing
this hurt still held inside.
Your strength, it could be freeing,
if standing by my side.

So here I will be waiting
for you to come again.
The seconds will be rating
with paper and a pen.

*No, I don't care that "claustrophobically" isn't in the dictionary. It's called artistic license.