Forgiving Myself

I'm slowly getting past my dulled senses and the surface joy that I've gotten by on lately. God is so good to stick with me through thick fog and thin hope. I'm looking forward to things again, and I think I feel Him here with me. My peace is trickling back now, a small stream of hope and comfort. Thank you, Lord Jesus.

The above was written sometime last week. Tonight is restless and difficult. I'm realizing things as I type, such as what's making it hard for me to get alone with God. I have a hard time forgiving myself for my mistakes, especially those that affect other people. If I mess up with something practical, that's one thing. Messing up involving a person is a whole 'nother ball game. Even if it's something small, I'll beat myself up for it accordingly. When it's bigger, it's worse, and I'm frustrated. I take the responsibility of how I affect people very seriously.

How does this affect being with God? I think it has to do with me not considering myself worthy of His love, or something to that effect. Sounds harsh, I know. Sounds like a thousand Bible verses saying otherwise. I know that He thinks much better of me than I think of myself. He sees His perfect Son when He looks at me. He sees a saint, the old sinner washed away in Jesus' blood. Who am I to act as though I know better than Him who He ought to be with? Who He ought to love? He IS love. If He says, "Dear heart, you're worth it." than who am I to speak doubt?

My actions here are cheapening His love for me, saying that it's not great enough to cover my pain and the pain that I've inflicted. Perhaps it's partially pride. I know not at this point.

Whoa. Sorry, God. It's amazing how simply writing this out solidifies it, strengthens it. This really is what I'm doing and going through, and it's hurting two principle people:

Me, and Him. My one true love, my Lord Christ. Who am I to say, "Turn and look the other way."? He longs to heal my heart, and I wish to hide in my shame. I hate to hurt the people whom He loves, the ones that I have come to love. I don't want Him to give me another chance sometimes, because I don't want to mess it up again. But I know that there's more. I know that He has plans to use me. Knowledge that needs to be taken to heart, for sure.

Mmm. I so look forward to resting in Him when all is said and done. Oh, for the day that I go to Him as a beautiful wreck, worn from this world and all that it holds, and He takes me in. God, I do look forward to that.

Right now I've got Pandora.com up. My Skillet radio is helping me to breathe and to feel. Going through something big can numb my emotions. After a few hard cries [or sometimes several], my subconscious is finding ways to cope and dissuade the pain. Lay Down My Pride (Jeremy Camp), Breathe You In (Thousand Foot Krutch), Breathe Today (EP version) (Flyleaf), More Than a Love Song (Fireflight), and Falling Inside the Black (Skillet) have hit just the right chords for me tonight, as they've lined up in play. Learn to Breathe (also Thousand Foot Krutch) is playing now. Powerful rock songs from Christian bands? Yes, thanks. Music is such a gift from God.

A side thought: I realize that my lack of blogging is not entirely because it is in and of itself difficult, but for the hesitation of what's been on my heart. These words are raw, and not all together joyous. They're vulnerable and real. Take it or leave it, friend. God's slowly healing me through these written words, and to give them up would be a partial suicide.

An Anonymous Letter

I was at youth group last Friday night when my friend Michaela C. approached me. She told me that she'd found a letter with my name on it at the last Well meeting and picked it up for me, though she guessed I'd already seen it. The envelope had gotten wet and then dried, was worn and somewhat torn. I'd no prior idea of its existence, and was perplexed and intrigued.

The letter is dated September 18, 2009, and I have no earthly idea who wrote it, other than knowing that it's someone from my church. If you did and you're reading this, then thank you. It's so weird, because parts of it touch me more than you can know with current circumstances. God has amazing timing. I thought I'd share it here, though I cannot do the beautiful handwriting justice:

Dearest Laura,

You may be wondering who this letter is actually from, but that is not the purpose of this.
I want you to know that you are very beautiful. I'm sure that more than a few boys have noticed this.
But that is why you need to be extra careful. Guard your heart and your foot-steps. You are a woman now, and I will tell you this: wait upon the Almighty, and he will show you the One you are to spend your life with.
I know the recent events of your family life have been a challenge and even scary. For I too know what it is like when a family member has a heart attack. God has a purpose for everything. The smallest crack in the sidewalk does not go unnoticed by the Lord, how much more the events of life.

I love you,
and remember,
You are never alone.

This is an absolute blessing in more ways than one. The sign-off as much as the rest of the letter. If you wrote this, I hope that you know.

For you others reading this, please take it as an encouragement yourself. I was wowed and moved to tears by whoever took the time to write this to me, the actual letter, and the time of reception. Maybe it will touch you in some way as well.

I'd also like to apologize for not blogging much lately. I thought I'd share this, and will try to write something of my own again in the next few days. Maybe I'll just type up what I've written in my notebook lately. Either way, God bless, and thanks for reading.

Grabbing My Notebook

I have never been forsaken. Never will be. Maybe by people, but not by God. He looks at me with love that passes far beyond anything this world has to offer. He doesn't double-cross, He's not a double-agent. He's got my back. He's got my heart. He's got my life, my love, my trust. He's got all of me. Sometimes I stray. Sometimes everything hurts. Sometimes I can't think straight. All the time, He is watching over me.

And yet, I don't always surrender my whole heart. Some days, I'm just too busy. Hm... oh, and I need to get to bed on time. I've got SUCH a full schedule tomorrow. I mean, my word, is it packed. I'll talk to God the day after that. He'll understand.

No, dear. He's a jealous God. He longs to spend time with you. Talking with your Beloved is such an important part of a full life. No serious relationship can work if you don't communicate with one another. You can't learn to trust someone if you don't know who they are deep inside, within their heart of hearts. It's just that way with God. Take that time to simply be with Him, the way you would be with any other person whom you love dearly.

So, maybe, I'll get up a little earlier, grab my notebook, and talk to Him. One of the easiest ways for me to pray is to write. Sometimes it's easier for me to express "what's up?" with pencil and paper, or keyboard and screen, then to verbalize it, or form it into thoughts. Especially when I've got jumbled thoughts and prayers flowing through my stream of consciousness like my blood flows through my veins. There's something about getting it right there in front of me, in physical form, that helps me process things. Thank God for that.

What if we all found a constructive outlet for emotions? Like sports, exercise, drama/theatre, dance, sketching or painting, writing, singing or playing an instrument, or even reading a book. In addition, talking to friends and/or family can help a lot, but there's not always someone you can trust nearby. You've got to know that who you're talking to won't fade out, or turn on you. How can you?

I have this great secret! Lean in close:

There's always God! He's always listening, watching. He is attentive, He knows where your heart is. No matter what form of communication you choose, He picks up your signals, even if they're in smoke. He made you. You're a hand-crafted, unique, incredible person. You've got your own gifts and abilities, and often as not, the same things you do for the love of it can help you cope with the pain of life. Often, the passion fueled by heartache can create something uniquely beautiful, that you would never have mastered otherwise. Think about it. Maybe some good really can come out of this mess of me.