The last time that I wrote to you, my heart was still managing. But in the time between then and now, the hardened places have become swollen. They have stung and struggled. They have wearied of pain from situations past and present; things that had not been properly let go of. And I was not letting Christ's love in. I did my best with what I knew and the courage I could summon, "knowing" He loved me and remembering those times when He dispelled all doubt and brought trust into my life. I stuck it out and stayed productive during the day, but cried in the night. A wound does not relieve itself; it does not stop its swell without ointment. It must have attention or it will become infected. Last night, my heart's wound became receptive once again.
The touch of an unrelenting God broke through. I was at the reunion of my church, which broke into home groups a few months ago. The Lord showed up powerfully.
I may not go into detail about stories heard and prayers spoken, but they touched me deeply. That place that I'd locked off was reopened and let to breathe, though I did not fully realize it until tonight. Tonight, I watched the season finale of a show called Doctor Who. The Doctor, as he is known, is a Time Lord who lives without aging, traveling through time and space to be of help where evil would reign. He is in love with Rose Tyler, a young woman who traveled with him for a while before becoming locked in another dimension. They are reunited in the finale when she is returned to help save the universe, but it cannot last. She must go back to the dimension she has become a part of, or there will be consequences. The Doctor leaves her without option. He will never see Rose again, and it is heartbreaking.
The point of that is this: It is the same way for Jesus, every time one of us whom He loves so completely dies without knowing Him and goes to Hell. Eternal separation. And how absolutely horrible to experience it so often... so certainly. And this analogy ripped me open to understand how truly Christ just wants to be with those He loves. It was the key to re-exposing my heart to Him. I cannot describe the feeling with mere words, but I have remembered His love. Nothing is more simply life-changing.
He is crafting me, beloved, as a potter works His clay. Carefully and deliberately. I am stronger than before these two days, and have never known His love like this. I am more alive and aware than ever. And when I am walking with Him is when I have the ability to write in this fashion, with vulnerability. This is why I haven't posted in over a month. And this is why I hope to be consistent again.
With great love,
Laura
