I'm slowly getting past my dulled senses and the surface joy that I've gotten by on lately. God is so good to stick with me through thick fog and thin hope. I'm looking forward to things again, and I think I feel Him here with me. My peace is trickling back now, a small stream of hope and comfort. Thank you, Lord Jesus.
The above was written sometime last week. Tonight is restless and difficult. I'm realizing things as I type, such as what's making it hard for me to get alone with God. I have a hard time forgiving myself for my mistakes, especially those that affect other people. If I mess up with something practical, that's one thing. Messing up involving a person is a whole 'nother ball game. Even if it's something small, I'll beat myself up for it accordingly. When it's bigger, it's worse, and I'm frustrated. I take the responsibility of how I affect people very seriously.
How does this affect being with God? I think it has to do with me not considering myself worthy of His love, or something to that effect. Sounds harsh, I know. Sounds like a thousand Bible verses saying otherwise. I know that He thinks much better of me than I think of myself. He sees His perfect Son when He looks at me. He sees a saint, the old sinner washed away in Jesus' blood. Who am I to act as though I know better than Him who He ought to be with? Who He ought to love? He IS love. If He says, "Dear heart, you're worth it." than who am I to speak doubt?
My actions here are cheapening His love for me, saying that it's not great enough to cover my pain and the pain that I've inflicted. Perhaps it's partially pride. I know not at this point.
Whoa. Sorry, God. It's amazing how simply writing this out solidifies it, strengthens it. This really is what I'm doing and going through, and it's hurting two principle people:
Me, and Him. My one true love, my Lord Christ. Who am I to say, "Turn and look the other way."? He longs to heal my heart, and I wish to hide in my shame. I hate to hurt the people whom He loves, the ones that I have come to love. I don't want Him to give me another chance sometimes, because I don't want to mess it up again. But I know that there's more. I know that He has plans to use me. Knowledge that needs to be taken to heart, for sure.
Mmm. I so look forward to resting in Him when all is said and done. Oh, for the day that I go to Him as a beautiful wreck, worn from this world and all that it holds, and He takes me in. God, I do look forward to that.
Right now I've got Pandora.com up. My Skillet radio is helping me to breathe and to feel. Going through something big can numb my emotions. After a few hard cries [or sometimes several], my subconscious is finding ways to cope and dissuade the pain. Lay Down My Pride (Jeremy Camp), Breathe You In (Thousand Foot Krutch), Breathe Today (EP version) (Flyleaf), More Than a Love Song (Fireflight), and Falling Inside the Black (Skillet) have hit just the right chords for me tonight, as they've lined up in play. Learn to Breathe (also Thousand Foot Krutch) is playing now. Powerful rock songs from Christian bands? Yes, thanks. Music is such a gift from God.
A side thought: I realize that my lack of blogging is not entirely because it is in and of itself difficult, but for the hesitation of what's been on my heart. These words are raw, and not all together joyous. They're vulnerable and real. Take it or leave it, friend. God's slowly healing me through these written words, and to give them up would be a partial suicide.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
An Anonymous Letter
I was at youth group last Friday night when my friend Michaela C. approached me. She told me that she'd found a letter with my name on it at the last Well meeting and picked it up for me, though she guessed I'd already seen it. The envelope had gotten wet and then dried, was worn and somewhat torn. I'd no prior idea of its existence, and was perplexed and intrigued.
The letter is dated September 18, 2009, and I have no earthly idea who wrote it, other than knowing that it's someone from my church. If you did and you're reading this, then thank you. It's so weird, because parts of it touch me more than you can know with current circumstances. God has amazing timing. I thought I'd share it here, though I cannot do the beautiful handwriting justice:
Dearest Laura,
You may be wondering who this letter is actually from, but that is not the purpose of this.
I want you to know that you are very beautiful. I'm sure that more than a few boys have noticed this.
But that is why you need to be extra careful. Guard your heart and your foot-steps. You are a woman now, and I will tell you this: wait upon the Almighty, and he will show you the One you are to spend your life with.
I know the recent events of your family life have been a challenge and even scary. For I too know what it is like when a family member has a heart attack. God has a purpose for everything. The smallest crack in the sidewalk does not go unnoticed by the Lord, how much more the events of life.
I love you,
and remember,
You are never alone.
This is an absolute blessing in more ways than one. The sign-off as much as the rest of the letter. If you wrote this, I hope that you know.
For you others reading this, please take it as an encouragement yourself. I was wowed and moved to tears by whoever took the time to write this to me, the actual letter, and the time of reception. Maybe it will touch you in some way as well.
I'd also like to apologize for not blogging much lately. I thought I'd share this, and will try to write something of my own again in the next few days. Maybe I'll just type up what I've written in my notebook lately. Either way, God bless, and thanks for reading.
The letter is dated September 18, 2009, and I have no earthly idea who wrote it, other than knowing that it's someone from my church. If you did and you're reading this, then thank you. It's so weird, because parts of it touch me more than you can know with current circumstances. God has amazing timing. I thought I'd share it here, though I cannot do the beautiful handwriting justice:
Dearest Laura,
You may be wondering who this letter is actually from, but that is not the purpose of this.
I want you to know that you are very beautiful. I'm sure that more than a few boys have noticed this.
But that is why you need to be extra careful. Guard your heart and your foot-steps. You are a woman now, and I will tell you this: wait upon the Almighty, and he will show you the One you are to spend your life with.
I know the recent events of your family life have been a challenge and even scary. For I too know what it is like when a family member has a heart attack. God has a purpose for everything. The smallest crack in the sidewalk does not go unnoticed by the Lord, how much more the events of life.
I love you,
and remember,
You are never alone.
This is an absolute blessing in more ways than one. The sign-off as much as the rest of the letter. If you wrote this, I hope that you know.
For you others reading this, please take it as an encouragement yourself. I was wowed and moved to tears by whoever took the time to write this to me, the actual letter, and the time of reception. Maybe it will touch you in some way as well.
I'd also like to apologize for not blogging much lately. I thought I'd share this, and will try to write something of my own again in the next few days. Maybe I'll just type up what I've written in my notebook lately. Either way, God bless, and thanks for reading.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Grabbing My Notebook
I have never been forsaken. Never will be. Maybe by people, but not by God. He looks at me with love that passes far beyond anything this world has to offer. He doesn't double-cross, He's not a double-agent. He's got my back. He's got my heart. He's got my life, my love, my trust. He's got all of me. Sometimes I stray. Sometimes everything hurts. Sometimes I can't think straight. All the time, He is watching over me.
And yet, I don't always surrender my whole heart. Some days, I'm just too busy. Hm... oh, and I need to get to bed on time. I've got SUCH a full schedule tomorrow. I mean, my word, is it packed. I'll talk to God the day after that. He'll understand.
No, dear. He's a jealous God. He longs to spend time with you. Talking with your Beloved is such an important part of a full life. No serious relationship can work if you don't communicate with one another. You can't learn to trust someone if you don't know who they are deep inside, within their heart of hearts. It's just that way with God. Take that time to simply be with Him, the way you would be with any other person whom you love dearly.
So, maybe, I'll get up a little earlier, grab my notebook, and talk to Him. One of the easiest ways for me to pray is to write. Sometimes it's easier for me to express "what's up?" with pencil and paper, or keyboard and screen, then to verbalize it, or form it into thoughts. Especially when I've got jumbled thoughts and prayers flowing through my stream of consciousness like my blood flows through my veins. There's something about getting it right there in front of me, in physical form, that helps me process things. Thank God for that.
What if we all found a constructive outlet for emotions? Like sports, exercise, drama/theatre, dance, sketching or painting, writing, singing or playing an instrument, or even reading a book. In addition, talking to friends and/or family can help a lot, but there's not always someone you can trust nearby. You've got to know that who you're talking to won't fade out, or turn on you. How can you?
I have this great secret! Lean in close:
There's always God! He's always listening, watching. He is attentive, He knows where your heart is. No matter what form of communication you choose, He picks up your signals, even if they're in smoke. He made you. You're a hand-crafted, unique, incredible person. You've got your own gifts and abilities, and often as not, the same things you do for the love of it can help you cope with the pain of life. Often, the passion fueled by heartache can create something uniquely beautiful, that you would never have mastered otherwise. Think about it. Maybe some good really can come out of this mess of me.
And yet, I don't always surrender my whole heart. Some days, I'm just too busy. Hm... oh, and I need to get to bed on time. I've got SUCH a full schedule tomorrow. I mean, my word, is it packed. I'll talk to God the day after that. He'll understand.
No, dear. He's a jealous God. He longs to spend time with you. Talking with your Beloved is such an important part of a full life. No serious relationship can work if you don't communicate with one another. You can't learn to trust someone if you don't know who they are deep inside, within their heart of hearts. It's just that way with God. Take that time to simply be with Him, the way you would be with any other person whom you love dearly.
So, maybe, I'll get up a little earlier, grab my notebook, and talk to Him. One of the easiest ways for me to pray is to write. Sometimes it's easier for me to express "what's up?" with pencil and paper, or keyboard and screen, then to verbalize it, or form it into thoughts. Especially when I've got jumbled thoughts and prayers flowing through my stream of consciousness like my blood flows through my veins. There's something about getting it right there in front of me, in physical form, that helps me process things. Thank God for that.
What if we all found a constructive outlet for emotions? Like sports, exercise, drama/theatre, dance, sketching or painting, writing, singing or playing an instrument, or even reading a book. In addition, talking to friends and/or family can help a lot, but there's not always someone you can trust nearby. You've got to know that who you're talking to won't fade out, or turn on you. How can you?
I have this great secret! Lean in close:
There's always God! He's always listening, watching. He is attentive, He knows where your heart is. No matter what form of communication you choose, He picks up your signals, even if they're in smoke. He made you. You're a hand-crafted, unique, incredible person. You've got your own gifts and abilities, and often as not, the same things you do for the love of it can help you cope with the pain of life. Often, the passion fueled by heartache can create something uniquely beautiful, that you would never have mastered otherwise. Think about it. Maybe some good really can come out of this mess of me.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Letting Go
I've had writer's block for the past while. There's been so much battling for my attention, that it's been hard to clear my thoughts, much less to write them with a definitive purpose. Forgive me. It's time to spill my thoughts again.
One of the hardest things to do in life is to let go. No matter how many reasons you have to, or how your friends back you up (or the much worse alternative of making the change alone). No matter how strongly God confirms a decision, it can hurt, and badly.
Not to mention that, once you have let go, you've got to make sure that you don't pick it back up. Sometimes it's OK to ease back in once circumstances have changed, with specific situations, but if you aren't absolutely sure that they have, then it can be even harder to drop it the second time around. It's a deadly circle.
For instance...
The insecure security of keeping to yourself, and you finally let go, open up. It's frightening to trust someone if you've locked love out of your heart.What if they aren't who they seem? What if they drop you cold? Maybe you don't mean so much to them... maybe they don't really care. The pain will stick like gorilla duct tape if it ends badly. It doesn't even have to be romantic; a girl or guy friend can hurt you as badly, sometimes worse, than a romantic interest. You back away, maybe even when they've begun to prove themselves, and there it goes. It's too much.
Maybe, in another light, a friendship takes a wrong turn, and you've got to cut it off. I've learned multiple times how painful that can be, even if it's the best thing for the both of you. You've become accustomed to this person's companionship. Perhaps someone of the opposite sex and you can talk together, understand each other, laugh like crazy, and talk about God. You're too young to think of it being more, yet you become emotionally involved all the same. You acknowledge to one another your interest, and you can't go back to a simple friendship. You must let go, or it'll be distracting and damaging, riddled with temptation and complication. Now you've lost your best friend. Bring on the twisting knives, the confusion, and the wish that you could fix it. More sticky pain, clinging to your life.
So, someone hurt you. Whether intentionally or not, they affected you greatly, and you're left to sort through it all. So much bitterness and pain has the chance to take a hold of you, so many doubts and sorrows. You can make decisions here that will effect you the rest of your life. Will you amend the situation to the best of your abilities, and let go of what you can't control? Or will you let it control you... fester inside of you? Will you trust God to bring good out of every situation, no matter how dark and glowering it may seem?
Love, you've got to. It's incredibly important. If you want to live, really live, without resentment, bitterness, and anger (note that these can be toward someone else, OR toward yourself), you've got to let go, and let God. Dearest,
"You can run away to fields of gray,
or stay and see who you were meant to be."
That's a bit of poetry that I came up with. I've tried to live by it for a while now, and I'm slowly getting there. God's helping me all along this way. It's a tricky road, a lane with potholes and ruts galore. But guess what? He'll dance you through it. A crack in the cement is nothing - if He sweeps you off your feet and spins you over it. Believe me, His footing's sure, trustworthy. For the guys, He'll run it with you like an army track, jumping and rolling right there with you. He's got your back, and His gun's loaded. There ain't nothin' that He can't get'cha out of, but you gotta let Him. Ask Him. Let go of your control.
It's worth it. I've been there - I know. I live in more freedom than I did two years ago. And it's all because of His work. Think about it, will you?
Let go, love. With God, all things are possible.
One of the hardest things to do in life is to let go. No matter how many reasons you have to, or how your friends back you up (or the much worse alternative of making the change alone). No matter how strongly God confirms a decision, it can hurt, and badly.
Not to mention that, once you have let go, you've got to make sure that you don't pick it back up. Sometimes it's OK to ease back in once circumstances have changed, with specific situations, but if you aren't absolutely sure that they have, then it can be even harder to drop it the second time around. It's a deadly circle.
For instance...
The insecure security of keeping to yourself, and you finally let go, open up. It's frightening to trust someone if you've locked love out of your heart.What if they aren't who they seem? What if they drop you cold? Maybe you don't mean so much to them... maybe they don't really care. The pain will stick like gorilla duct tape if it ends badly. It doesn't even have to be romantic; a girl or guy friend can hurt you as badly, sometimes worse, than a romantic interest. You back away, maybe even when they've begun to prove themselves, and there it goes. It's too much.
Maybe, in another light, a friendship takes a wrong turn, and you've got to cut it off. I've learned multiple times how painful that can be, even if it's the best thing for the both of you. You've become accustomed to this person's companionship. Perhaps someone of the opposite sex and you can talk together, understand each other, laugh like crazy, and talk about God. You're too young to think of it being more, yet you become emotionally involved all the same. You acknowledge to one another your interest, and you can't go back to a simple friendship. You must let go, or it'll be distracting and damaging, riddled with temptation and complication. Now you've lost your best friend. Bring on the twisting knives, the confusion, and the wish that you could fix it. More sticky pain, clinging to your life.
So, someone hurt you. Whether intentionally or not, they affected you greatly, and you're left to sort through it all. So much bitterness and pain has the chance to take a hold of you, so many doubts and sorrows. You can make decisions here that will effect you the rest of your life. Will you amend the situation to the best of your abilities, and let go of what you can't control? Or will you let it control you... fester inside of you? Will you trust God to bring good out of every situation, no matter how dark and glowering it may seem?
Love, you've got to. It's incredibly important. If you want to live, really live, without resentment, bitterness, and anger (note that these can be toward someone else, OR toward yourself), you've got to let go, and let God. Dearest,
"You can run away to fields of gray,
or stay and see who you were meant to be."
That's a bit of poetry that I came up with. I've tried to live by it for a while now, and I'm slowly getting there. God's helping me all along this way. It's a tricky road, a lane with potholes and ruts galore. But guess what? He'll dance you through it. A crack in the cement is nothing - if He sweeps you off your feet and spins you over it. Believe me, His footing's sure, trustworthy. For the guys, He'll run it with you like an army track, jumping and rolling right there with you. He's got your back, and His gun's loaded. There ain't nothin' that He can't get'cha out of, but you gotta let Him. Ask Him. Let go of your control.
It's worth it. I've been there - I know. I live in more freedom than I did two years ago. And it's all because of His work. Think about it, will you?
Let go, love. With God, all things are possible.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
A Beautiful Puzzle
God has mind-blowing, amazing intricacy.
When He's fond of an idea, He sets up every little, tiny piece to fall into place absolutely perfectly, and connects it to every other little piece, in all the puzzles of your life. It's incredible, beautiful, and far beyond me. I have an analytical, plan ahead, imaginative, detail-oriented, creative, inquisitive, easily intrigued mind. I think of all the possible outcomes of even a small situation for the fun of it.
The intensity of precision and care that God weaves into my life is absolutely astonishing, touching, and heart-exploding beautiful. I am overwhelmed by His thoughts for me.
All because He loves me. He's good. It's His very nature to be good. When something bad is happening, it's not from Him. He allows us to sin, and allows the sins of others to hurt us, because He's given us free will. If we didn't have the choice to do wrong, we wouldn't have the choice to do right. We wouldn't be able to truly choose having a relationship with Him. And when wrong is chosen and done, there are consequences.
Not to mention an arch-Enemy who wants to rip our hearts apart to keep us from fulfilling our destinies as children of God, and will do anything and use anyone open to him to do so.
No biggie.
No, really, "The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."
(Deuteronomy 31:8, NIV)
"Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you, I will hold you up with my victorious right hand."
(Isaiah 41:10, NLT)
He holds the whole world in His hands. Those hands are the safest place for my heart and my life, and I plan to leave them there. He made me who I am for a purpose, and He has a master plan. I have a feeling that I'm going to love it.
Truly, He's piecing my puzzle together and painting it beautifully.
When He's fond of an idea, He sets up every little, tiny piece to fall into place absolutely perfectly, and connects it to every other little piece, in all the puzzles of your life. It's incredible, beautiful, and far beyond me. I have an analytical, plan ahead, imaginative, detail-oriented, creative, inquisitive, easily intrigued mind. I think of all the possible outcomes of even a small situation for the fun of it.
The intensity of precision and care that God weaves into my life is absolutely astonishing, touching, and heart-exploding beautiful. I am overwhelmed by His thoughts for me.
All because He loves me. He's good. It's His very nature to be good. When something bad is happening, it's not from Him. He allows us to sin, and allows the sins of others to hurt us, because He's given us free will. If we didn't have the choice to do wrong, we wouldn't have the choice to do right. We wouldn't be able to truly choose having a relationship with Him. And when wrong is chosen and done, there are consequences.
Not to mention an arch-Enemy who wants to rip our hearts apart to keep us from fulfilling our destinies as children of God, and will do anything and use anyone open to him to do so.
No biggie.
No, really, "The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."
(Deuteronomy 31:8, NIV)
"Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you, I will hold you up with my victorious right hand."
(Isaiah 41:10, NLT)
He holds the whole world in His hands. Those hands are the safest place for my heart and my life, and I plan to leave them there. He made me who I am for a purpose, and He has a master plan. I have a feeling that I'm going to love it.
Truly, He's piecing my puzzle together and painting it beautifully.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
When We Feel Loved
Everything is better when we feel loved.
Everything.
You don't mind doing dishes so much, waiting a few more minutes is OK. You'll talk to almost anyone and enjoy it, whether you normally get along or not. The list goes on. We can get through something unpleasant and/or painful oh, so much faster if someone's there to support us and love on us. We don't feel quite so lost, because someone cares to know what's happening, and is willing to help.
Sometimes, there is an unspoken love in the midst of a struggle. When I was at church a fortnight ago, I was having a bad week. Just not feeling myself, and so forth. I felt stressed, and my mind wouldn't stop whirling. Without a word, my friend Michaela C. came and started playing with my hair. She sang softly near my ear, and simply cared for me. Within a few short minutes, my heart had calmed down and my mind was able to still and to focus. Michaela didn't know what was going on, but she had noticed that I wasn't myself. She didn't ignore me, she came to help and made herself available. It touched me greatly, and completely changed my night. As good as a deep conversation can be, you need the little things to fill the cracks.
At the end of the day, the best you can do is to love from your heart. If you pay attention, you may just find that you have a lot to give, things you may've overlooked before. Let God guide you in your actions, to edify and to encourage, whether in a big or a small way. The ultimate affect doesn't always vary on the gravity of the situation.
Everything.
You don't mind doing dishes so much, waiting a few more minutes is OK. You'll talk to almost anyone and enjoy it, whether you normally get along or not. The list goes on. We can get through something unpleasant and/or painful oh, so much faster if someone's there to support us and love on us. We don't feel quite so lost, because someone cares to know what's happening, and is willing to help.
Sometimes, there is an unspoken love in the midst of a struggle. When I was at church a fortnight ago, I was having a bad week. Just not feeling myself, and so forth. I felt stressed, and my mind wouldn't stop whirling. Without a word, my friend Michaela C. came and started playing with my hair. She sang softly near my ear, and simply cared for me. Within a few short minutes, my heart had calmed down and my mind was able to still and to focus. Michaela didn't know what was going on, but she had noticed that I wasn't myself. She didn't ignore me, she came to help and made herself available. It touched me greatly, and completely changed my night. As good as a deep conversation can be, you need the little things to fill the cracks.
At the end of the day, the best you can do is to love from your heart. If you pay attention, you may just find that you have a lot to give, things you may've overlooked before. Let God guide you in your actions, to edify and to encourage, whether in a big or a small way. The ultimate affect doesn't always vary on the gravity of the situation.
Friday, July 9, 2010
A Little Poetry
I've been writing poetry for a little over 2 years now. In March 2008, I had something on my heart and needed a way to express it. As I had several friends on a forum who wrote, as well as one of my sisters, I decided to give it a shot.
After writing that first poem and receiving a lot of positive feedback, I really got into it. Whenever something pressed on my heart, either good or bad, I would write a poem about it. I've written roughly 58 poems since that start.
Here are two of my poems, each with a bit of story after it, describing what inspired the writing. I hope y'all enjoy, and commentary is welcome!
--
Nightmare
December 11th, 2008
The pain attacking in my sleep,
haunting dreams to make me weep.
Striking deep, when least expected,
once again, I'm unprotected.
Jesus, Savior, come rescue me
when I'm in chains, far from peace.
I need strong hands to pull me from,
these dark dreams, with sinister songs.
I race through streets, where dangers abound
waiting to arrest me, without a sound.
I try to wake up, from this vision
where storm winds blow, with strong derision.*
Jesus, Savior, come rescue me
when I'm in chains, far from peace.
I need strong hands to pull me from,
these dark dreams, with sinister songs.
Monsters come to life from stones,
intent on breaking every bone.
And I'm left wondering how it happened,
when fantasy pain comes into action.
Jesus, Savior, come rescue me
when I'm in chains, far from peace.
I need strong hands to pull me from,
these dark dreams, with sinister songs.
--
I've experienced actual [sometimes very bad] pain in nightmares, various times throughout my life. When I wrote this poem, it had become more frequent, and dreaming at all was frightening. I would be afraid that the dream would turn into a nightmare, and something would hurt me. Thus, the two-line stanzas.
However, any time that I could remember to call on Jesus, I would immediately wake up. Sometimes, I wouldn't be able to get the name out, or wouldn't think of it at all, but as soon as I did, I would wake up. Upon talking to a friend's dad at church, and telling him about my nightmares, he advised me to read my Bible out loud right before I go to bed, pray, etc. I'm so thankful to say that I haven't had any sort of nightmare in long months since then. Jesus, my Savior, rescued me.
*If you've read the Castaways of the Flying Dutchman series by Brian Jacques, you may find this ringing a bell. I was inspired to incorporate it because of the nightmares that Ben and Ned have of the storm that cast them into the sea.
--
Love Eclipse
May 16th, 2009
So confused, damaged,
my heart fights to feel.
So upset, wondering-
when will these wounds heal?
Dare me to move in,
I need to seek Your love.
Father, find me vulnerable,
exposed as though a dove.
Hold me in Your arms tonight
and whisper tender verse.
Eclipse me with Your love so bright,
when I am slammed and cursed.
My soul must be cared for,
my spirit filled again.
My bowl shall overflow,
when my Jesus comes in.
So Christ come near me,
I am captivated by Your face.
So glorious and beautiful,
my heart palpitates.
Sweep me into Your arms
and carry me away.
Our dance will soften harms,
Grace gifted with each sway.
--
Spring and Summer of 2009 I had a lot going on. God was dealing intensely with my heart, bringing brokenness to the surface, cleaning and healing, teaching and revealing. God will always be working in our hearts and lives, but those seasons were particularly intense, and marked the start of a lot of growth for me.
I met one of my best friends, Matthew, whom I will claim as my big brother without hesitation, just before everything started to rock. I really can't talk about that season without mentioning him, because he helped me so much. God used Matthew repeatedly, especially in teaching me to trust and to open up. I wrote this poem on a rough night, and God gave me the grace to complete it with a message of hope. With that thought, I believe it fits on this blog perfectly. God gives me hope to press on through it all, which I wish to reflect, and spread to those around me.
After writing that first poem and receiving a lot of positive feedback, I really got into it. Whenever something pressed on my heart, either good or bad, I would write a poem about it. I've written roughly 58 poems since that start.
Here are two of my poems, each with a bit of story after it, describing what inspired the writing. I hope y'all enjoy, and commentary is welcome!
--
Nightmare
December 11th, 2008
The pain attacking in my sleep,
haunting dreams to make me weep.
Striking deep, when least expected,
once again, I'm unprotected.
Jesus, Savior, come rescue me
when I'm in chains, far from peace.
I need strong hands to pull me from,
these dark dreams, with sinister songs.
I race through streets, where dangers abound
waiting to arrest me, without a sound.
I try to wake up, from this vision
where storm winds blow, with strong derision.*
Jesus, Savior, come rescue me
when I'm in chains, far from peace.
I need strong hands to pull me from,
these dark dreams, with sinister songs.
Monsters come to life from stones,
intent on breaking every bone.
And I'm left wondering how it happened,
when fantasy pain comes into action.
Jesus, Savior, come rescue me
when I'm in chains, far from peace.
I need strong hands to pull me from,
these dark dreams, with sinister songs.
--
I've experienced actual [sometimes very bad] pain in nightmares, various times throughout my life. When I wrote this poem, it had become more frequent, and dreaming at all was frightening. I would be afraid that the dream would turn into a nightmare, and something would hurt me. Thus, the two-line stanzas.
However, any time that I could remember to call on Jesus, I would immediately wake up. Sometimes, I wouldn't be able to get the name out, or wouldn't think of it at all, but as soon as I did, I would wake up. Upon talking to a friend's dad at church, and telling him about my nightmares, he advised me to read my Bible out loud right before I go to bed, pray, etc. I'm so thankful to say that I haven't had any sort of nightmare in long months since then. Jesus, my Savior, rescued me.
*If you've read the Castaways of the Flying Dutchman series by Brian Jacques, you may find this ringing a bell. I was inspired to incorporate it because of the nightmares that Ben and Ned have of the storm that cast them into the sea.
--
Love Eclipse
May 16th, 2009
So confused, damaged,
my heart fights to feel.
So upset, wondering-
when will these wounds heal?
Dare me to move in,
I need to seek Your love.
Father, find me vulnerable,
exposed as though a dove.
Hold me in Your arms tonight
and whisper tender verse.
Eclipse me with Your love so bright,
when I am slammed and cursed.
My soul must be cared for,
my spirit filled again.
My bowl shall overflow,
when my Jesus comes in.
So Christ come near me,
I am captivated by Your face.
So glorious and beautiful,
my heart palpitates.
Sweep me into Your arms
and carry me away.
Our dance will soften harms,
Grace gifted with each sway.
--
Spring and Summer of 2009 I had a lot going on. God was dealing intensely with my heart, bringing brokenness to the surface, cleaning and healing, teaching and revealing. God will always be working in our hearts and lives, but those seasons were particularly intense, and marked the start of a lot of growth for me.
I met one of my best friends, Matthew, whom I will claim as my big brother without hesitation, just before everything started to rock. I really can't talk about that season without mentioning him, because he helped me so much. God used Matthew repeatedly, especially in teaching me to trust and to open up. I wrote this poem on a rough night, and God gave me the grace to complete it with a message of hope. With that thought, I believe it fits on this blog perfectly. God gives me hope to press on through it all, which I wish to reflect, and spread to those around me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)