The last time that I wrote to you, my heart was still managing. But in the time between then and now, the hardened places have become swollen. They have stung and struggled. They have wearied of pain from situations past and present; things that had not been properly let go of. And I was not letting Christ's love in. I did my best with what I knew and the courage I could summon, "knowing" He loved me and remembering those times when He dispelled all doubt and brought trust into my life. I stuck it out and stayed productive during the day, but cried in the night. A wound does not relieve itself; it does not stop its swell without ointment. It must have attention or it will become infected. Last night, my heart's wound became receptive once again.
The touch of an unrelenting God broke through. I was at the reunion of my church, which broke into home groups a few months ago. The Lord showed up powerfully.
I may not go into detail about stories heard and prayers spoken, but they touched me deeply. That place that I'd locked off was reopened and let to breathe, though I did not fully realize it until tonight. Tonight, I watched the season finale of a show called Doctor Who. The Doctor, as he is known, is a Time Lord who lives without aging, traveling through time and space to be of help where evil would reign. He is in love with Rose Tyler, a young woman who traveled with him for a while before becoming locked in another dimension. They are reunited in the finale when she is returned to help save the universe, but it cannot last. She must go back to the dimension she has become a part of, or there will be consequences. The Doctor leaves her without option. He will never see Rose again, and it is heartbreaking.
The point of that is this: It is the same way for Jesus, every time one of us whom He loves so completely dies without knowing Him and goes to Hell. Eternal separation. And how absolutely horrible to experience it so often... so certainly. And this analogy ripped me open to understand how truly Christ just wants to be with those He loves. It was the key to re-exposing my heart to Him. I cannot describe the feeling with mere words, but I have remembered His love. Nothing is more simply life-changing.
He is crafting me, beloved, as a potter works His clay. Carefully and deliberately. I am stronger than before these two days, and have never known His love like this. I am more alive and aware than ever. And when I am walking with Him is when I have the ability to write in this fashion, with vulnerability. This is why I haven't posted in over a month. And this is why I hope to be consistent again.
With great love,
Laura
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Friday, October 1, 2010
Learning to Cope
My mom has been feeling ill for a couple of weeks. She's had a cough that causes her pain, sciatica, which has to do with a pinched nerve in her leg, and has just been feeling bad in general. She went to the doctor yesterday morning and he called last night. Said that he'd gotten the results of her blood work and didn't like it, and that she should go to the emergency room right away. My dad took her, and they've been running various tests. This evening, I learned that the doctors think it's either a viral infection, or something more serious. They're going to run another test in the morning that should determine which. The results will be in in about a week. I'm praying until then.
But I'm not blogging only to recruit more prayers. I've found that Facebook is great for creating prayer chains, and I've been blessed by the amount of commentary on my statuses, assuring me that prayers are going up and that I can call if there's anything my friends can do. These are truly appreciated. But something hard like this brings me to think about what I do to cope, to remain strong enough to get through. I'd like to share these with you.
My dad has gone to the hospital about four or so different times over the past five years, three of which ended with another stint placed in an artery near his heart. When things like this happen, you have a choice: you can worry and ask why and despair, or you can trust God. You can believe that He would not let something happen if there was not good to come of it in some form, and you can trust that no matter the confusion in your own mind, He knows how it will play out. He has the diagnosis and the cure. Sometimes He chooses to heal directly, and sometimes He lets it run through the various forms of healing that He placed on this earth. Either way, at the end of the day, all I want to choose is faith.
I'm not saying that it's easy; there are reasons for terms such as "trial by fire" and that it's "darkest before the dawn". My sister, Kate, set as her status a quote from Peter Marshall -
"When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure."
It's so very true. I would not be close to God, learning to depend on Him, if I had nothing to depend upon Him for! If I had nothing precious and close to me to trust Him with, then I would never learn complete and true trust. My character would not be strengthened through the opposition. When our relationships with those around us are put to test, they expose "fair weather friends" and those who will ride through the storm with you. No simple friendship is as strong as the one that has survived the hurricane. Whatever you believed before, you now have the proof that this person is trustworthy. In the same way, leaning on God through life will show you just how worthy He is of our love and our trust. He is the one who will, "never leave you nor forsake you." (Hebrews 13:5, emphasis added). And, unlike your friends, He knows how your circumstance will run its course, and exactly how He will take it from something wholly bad to something used for good.
To comment on a practical side, it's a good idea to occupy oneself while in between things. While I'm waiting to hear what's going on with my mother, not only can I pray, but I can do dishes, laundry, generally clean house; keep up with my schoolwork, keep people informed, and generally make use of my time. I feel better when I'm getting something done. Even if the task seems minimal and mundane, it's often the familiar routine that helps me get through an unexpected situation. It reminds that not everything is changed and upset, brings a leveling, consistent factor to the mix, and reassures that life will go on, come what may.
I had to jump up and deal with a large spider before finishing the last paragraph. The thing was creeping on the wall behind my desk, dropped to the floor and ran for the cover of my dresser when I went after it. I had to use a straw to poke at it, sending it back out into the open. It ran across the floor and under my bed. I finally nabbed it with some toilet paper when it paused by the wall. I squished it and flushed it down the toilet for good measure.
Don't be fooled. These things freak me out. But I needed to take care of it for my peace of mind. I'm not going to sleep well if I know that it's loose about my room. Every unexpected movement from it made me jump. But I dealt with it anyway. I got through it and was victorious without any real issue. Yeah, it's just a spider, but it proves a point:
if you're willing to face your fear, you might just be surprised by what God will enable you to conquer.
So my mom's in the hospital, but my God knows for how long. He knows how each step of this twist of life will play out, and He'll give me and my family what we need to get through it. He is faithful, all the time.
Psalm 36:5 - Your unfailing love, O Lord, is as vast as the heavens;
your faithfulness reaches beyond the clouds. (NLT)
Psalm 117 - O PRAISE the Lord, all you nations! Praise Him, all you people!
For His mercy and loving-kindness are great toward us, and the truth and faithfulness of the Lord endure forever. Praise the Lord! (Hallelujah!) (Amplified Bible)
But I'm not blogging only to recruit more prayers. I've found that Facebook is great for creating prayer chains, and I've been blessed by the amount of commentary on my statuses, assuring me that prayers are going up and that I can call if there's anything my friends can do. These are truly appreciated. But something hard like this brings me to think about what I do to cope, to remain strong enough to get through. I'd like to share these with you.
My dad has gone to the hospital about four or so different times over the past five years, three of which ended with another stint placed in an artery near his heart. When things like this happen, you have a choice: you can worry and ask why and despair, or you can trust God. You can believe that He would not let something happen if there was not good to come of it in some form, and you can trust that no matter the confusion in your own mind, He knows how it will play out. He has the diagnosis and the cure. Sometimes He chooses to heal directly, and sometimes He lets it run through the various forms of healing that He placed on this earth. Either way, at the end of the day, all I want to choose is faith.
I'm not saying that it's easy; there are reasons for terms such as "trial by fire" and that it's "darkest before the dawn". My sister, Kate, set as her status a quote from Peter Marshall -
"When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure."
It's so very true. I would not be close to God, learning to depend on Him, if I had nothing to depend upon Him for! If I had nothing precious and close to me to trust Him with, then I would never learn complete and true trust. My character would not be strengthened through the opposition. When our relationships with those around us are put to test, they expose "fair weather friends" and those who will ride through the storm with you. No simple friendship is as strong as the one that has survived the hurricane. Whatever you believed before, you now have the proof that this person is trustworthy. In the same way, leaning on God through life will show you just how worthy He is of our love and our trust. He is the one who will, "never leave you nor forsake you." (Hebrews 13:5, emphasis added). And, unlike your friends, He knows how your circumstance will run its course, and exactly how He will take it from something wholly bad to something used for good.
To comment on a practical side, it's a good idea to occupy oneself while in between things. While I'm waiting to hear what's going on with my mother, not only can I pray, but I can do dishes, laundry, generally clean house; keep up with my schoolwork, keep people informed, and generally make use of my time. I feel better when I'm getting something done. Even if the task seems minimal and mundane, it's often the familiar routine that helps me get through an unexpected situation. It reminds that not everything is changed and upset, brings a leveling, consistent factor to the mix, and reassures that life will go on, come what may.
I had to jump up and deal with a large spider before finishing the last paragraph. The thing was creeping on the wall behind my desk, dropped to the floor and ran for the cover of my dresser when I went after it. I had to use a straw to poke at it, sending it back out into the open. It ran across the floor and under my bed. I finally nabbed it with some toilet paper when it paused by the wall. I squished it and flushed it down the toilet for good measure.
Don't be fooled. These things freak me out. But I needed to take care of it for my peace of mind. I'm not going to sleep well if I know that it's loose about my room. Every unexpected movement from it made me jump. But I dealt with it anyway. I got through it and was victorious without any real issue. Yeah, it's just a spider, but it proves a point:
if you're willing to face your fear, you might just be surprised by what God will enable you to conquer.
So my mom's in the hospital, but my God knows for how long. He knows how each step of this twist of life will play out, and He'll give me and my family what we need to get through it. He is faithful, all the time.
Psalm 36:5 - Your unfailing love, O Lord, is as vast as the heavens;
your faithfulness reaches beyond the clouds. (NLT)
Psalm 117 - O PRAISE the Lord, all you nations! Praise Him, all you people!
For His mercy and loving-kindness are great toward us, and the truth and faithfulness of the Lord endure forever. Praise the Lord! (Hallelujah!) (Amplified Bible)
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Taking Notes
Last night, I was flipping around in my Bible. God showed me a few things that really encouraged me, so I wrote them down in my notebook. Tonight, I thought I'd share them with you. I really need to read my Bible more often; I easily release the habit and forget how it blesses me when I return to it.
Ephesians 2:8-10
"God saved you by His grace when you believed. And you can't take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so he can do the good things he planned for us long ago."
So neither can our mistakes take salvation from us. God doesn't give up on me as easily as I sometimes give up on myself, and my ability to make a difference.
Romans 8:28
"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them."
So He's using my daily struggles to make me stronger. He's using every hard thing that comes to shape me and bless me. He has a plan to use my life for His glory, and will use all these things to bring it into action. I am never abandoned; never forsaken.
Romans 9:26
"... Then, at the place where they were told, "You are not my people,' there they will be called 'children of the living God.'" (referring to the Gentiles, if you'd like the context).
Right there, where it was the worst. Where they were furthest from God's love, wholly desolate and abandoned; that is where He chose to restore them. To heal them and to offer something better - much, much better - than all the empty pain and deception they had known. Don't cover up and turn away from the broken, traumatized places. For those are the ones He wants to touch and use to bring forth His glory. Light out of the darkness, as it were.
Galatians 5:22-23
"But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!"
So all we have to do is let Him in. He'll use everything to bring these about in beautiful ways. Even if you doubt your own ability to birth such good fruit, don't doubt Him. "The Holy Spirit produces" is not a question. He is fully capable if you will open your heart to His work in your life. Just do your best, and give Him the rest.
Ephesians 2:8-10
"God saved you by His grace when you believed. And you can't take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so he can do the good things he planned for us long ago."
So neither can our mistakes take salvation from us. God doesn't give up on me as easily as I sometimes give up on myself, and my ability to make a difference.
Romans 8:28
"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them."
So He's using my daily struggles to make me stronger. He's using every hard thing that comes to shape me and bless me. He has a plan to use my life for His glory, and will use all these things to bring it into action. I am never abandoned; never forsaken.
Romans 9:26
"... Then, at the place where they were told, "You are not my people,' there they will be called 'children of the living God.'" (referring to the Gentiles, if you'd like the context).
Right there, where it was the worst. Where they were furthest from God's love, wholly desolate and abandoned; that is where He chose to restore them. To heal them and to offer something better - much, much better - than all the empty pain and deception they had known. Don't cover up and turn away from the broken, traumatized places. For those are the ones He wants to touch and use to bring forth His glory. Light out of the darkness, as it were.
Galatians 5:22-23
"But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!"
So all we have to do is let Him in. He'll use everything to bring these about in beautiful ways. Even if you doubt your own ability to birth such good fruit, don't doubt Him. "The Holy Spirit produces" is not a question. He is fully capable if you will open your heart to His work in your life. Just do your best, and give Him the rest.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
All I Need
My thoughts will bounce around a bit here, so bare with me. Copy/paste the link to a new tab or window to listen as you read.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gkLh-D-esxQ
This song alternately speaks to and flows from my heart. It's what my life boils down to. There's this and that, worries and concerns, confusion and grief (Matthew 6:27, "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"). There are hopes and doubts, moments of both peace and fear. We can only control these things so much; can only predict whether the bright light at the end of the tunnel is daylight or a train to a certain extent. Beyond that, it's all about how we react.
With each new experience, we have a choice to waste it or learn from it. To conceal the fresh wounds and old scars, undermine the beauty and life, or let each happening change us to become a little more ourselves; a little more like the people who God originally crafted you and me to be. With the Holy Spirit's guidance, we can learn and grow to meet new challenges. If you're playing a video game, you know that each new level will be harder, more intense. But you gain new skills with each new victory, just as you need them. You're prepared. It's the same with everyday life. If you don't learn as you go, you won't be ready for the next set and you will be expected to repeat the lesson until you're ready. I don't know about you, but there are some things I'd really rather not repeat.
But at the end of the day, we need to rest. Our day's choices behind us, we need Someone unchanging to hold us steady. Someone who is steadfast, unfailing, and good through-and-through. Who cares for us more than the people we interacted with and dealt with today can even begin to. Someone who can see the bigger picture, look into our worst-case scenarios, and find the key to getting us through. A familiar verse, Romans 8:28 reads, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."
Another familiar, yet repeatedly encouraging verse? Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."
Which means that He has my life in His capable hands and He's well aware of my circumstance. He'll work through my life if I keep coming back to my Jesus.
"All I need is You, Lord
Is You, Lord."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gkLh-D-esxQ
This song alternately speaks to and flows from my heart. It's what my life boils down to. There's this and that, worries and concerns, confusion and grief (Matthew 6:27, "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"). There are hopes and doubts, moments of both peace and fear. We can only control these things so much; can only predict whether the bright light at the end of the tunnel is daylight or a train to a certain extent. Beyond that, it's all about how we react.
With each new experience, we have a choice to waste it or learn from it. To conceal the fresh wounds and old scars, undermine the beauty and life, or let each happening change us to become a little more ourselves; a little more like the people who God originally crafted you and me to be. With the Holy Spirit's guidance, we can learn and grow to meet new challenges. If you're playing a video game, you know that each new level will be harder, more intense. But you gain new skills with each new victory, just as you need them. You're prepared. It's the same with everyday life. If you don't learn as you go, you won't be ready for the next set and you will be expected to repeat the lesson until you're ready. I don't know about you, but there are some things I'd really rather not repeat.
But at the end of the day, we need to rest. Our day's choices behind us, we need Someone unchanging to hold us steady. Someone who is steadfast, unfailing, and good through-and-through. Who cares for us more than the people we interacted with and dealt with today can even begin to. Someone who can see the bigger picture, look into our worst-case scenarios, and find the key to getting us through. A familiar verse, Romans 8:28 reads, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."
Another familiar, yet repeatedly encouraging verse? Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."
Which means that He has my life in His capable hands and He's well aware of my circumstance. He'll work through my life if I keep coming back to my Jesus.
"All I need is You, Lord
Is You, Lord."
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
In This Moment
Sometimes, all that's left for me is to rest in God. To play some music, God-enthused lyrics coming through the headphones, and rest. Let Him calm my heart when it cannot calm itself. He truly is there for me when none other is, or can be. When an impossibly treacherous journey lies before me, and I must stay strong despite the rain. When it all falls apart, and I'm left to the dark of this world. Its pain, confusion, and deepest heartache. When I miss someone desperately, or need to find new hope. Stabbed in the back, maybe. When I let Him, He'll restore my peace and bring me through. He always has. Oh, Lord... I am so thankful.
I'm soaking in His peace as I write this. This quiet love is healing my heart. I'll still trip and stumble, and there are many walls left to scale, bridges left to cross, and valleys that I must endure to reach the mountaintop, my eureka. But that mountain will be beautiful, and so much more than worth it. I know this, because I trust Him. I trust that He wouldn't let something so bad happen if He wasn't going to birth and multiply good from within the mess. In every situation where I have dealt with intense emotional pain, there's been a choice: keep striving after Him, or give up to my Enemy. To Satan.
My answer's clear, and I will keep pressing on with my God by my side. He gets me through.
Mmm... and not only that, but He loves me and teaches me as we go. I'll learn new things for next time, it won't be a waste. I'll have a new understanding of His heart when I need more of His heart; when I have to dig and hunt. He sweeps me into His arms when something's just too much, and He carries me. It looks like one set of footprints, because it is - His prints, left by One who loves enough to take the burden upon Himself. The love of my sweet Jesus is far beyond comprehension, or even reason. I cannot reason enough to figure out why it's worth it to save me over and over again. But my Knight hasn't left me. He promised that He won't, and He's reminding me of His presence yet again. In this moment, I have serenity. In this moment, I will press on.
I'm soaking in His peace as I write this. This quiet love is healing my heart. I'll still trip and stumble, and there are many walls left to scale, bridges left to cross, and valleys that I must endure to reach the mountaintop, my eureka. But that mountain will be beautiful, and so much more than worth it. I know this, because I trust Him. I trust that He wouldn't let something so bad happen if He wasn't going to birth and multiply good from within the mess. In every situation where I have dealt with intense emotional pain, there's been a choice: keep striving after Him, or give up to my Enemy. To Satan.
My answer's clear, and I will keep pressing on with my God by my side. He gets me through.
Mmm... and not only that, but He loves me and teaches me as we go. I'll learn new things for next time, it won't be a waste. I'll have a new understanding of His heart when I need more of His heart; when I have to dig and hunt. He sweeps me into His arms when something's just too much, and He carries me. It looks like one set of footprints, because it is - His prints, left by One who loves enough to take the burden upon Himself. The love of my sweet Jesus is far beyond comprehension, or even reason. I cannot reason enough to figure out why it's worth it to save me over and over again. But my Knight hasn't left me. He promised that He won't, and He's reminding me of His presence yet again. In this moment, I have serenity. In this moment, I will press on.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Candles and Bonfires
The tender flicker of a candle, so melancholy within this dark room. It's all right, it'll make it. Just don't let the drafts in, be careful going by. If it goes out, you may not find the match to relight it. Small candle, don't be afraid to shine. This scenario calls for too much caution when this life is yet short. And your flame, it'll stand strong if you'll become part of God's bonfire.
See, it's like this: I was at a Christian youth conference a few summers ago, and one of the speakers was talking about the song "This Little Light of Mine". He objected, telling us that it's more like a "FREAKING HUGE BONFIRE".
I think I like his way of seeing things better. You? I mean, I personally rather be a bonfire for God than a candle. And it's wholly possible, considering Who's inside of us.
Another perspective: Would you call Jesus a candle? "Aw, be careful going by him, he might just blow out!" Um, no, dear. He cast out demons, healed the sick, and suffered the cross for us. And then he said we'd do greater things than these. Now, if Jesus isn't a candle, and we're going to do greater things, we can't possibly be classified as candles. It doesn't work out. And if you get a lot of bonfires, really close together...
WILDFIRE
I don't think I'd want to put it out. Let God burn in us for a while, and maybe He'd do more than hand someone a tract. Maybe we'd see Him move like never before, and maybe He'd touch some hearts for real. Love on people. Actually, I believe He would. If His people, their hearts full of His love, start burning like bonfires instead of candles, He's going to do something with that fire. I mean, it can't really be there without Him, and if He stirs something up, then He'll take it somewhere beyond our imagination. All we have to do is say, "Yes, bring on the oxygen, feed this fire!" Passion for His name. Be a bonfire, and spread some pure, true love to a hurting soul today. Whether it's a Christian or non-Christian friend who's down, needs encouragement, or maybe even a stranger He points out to you, you have a responsibility.
Luke 12:48 (NLT)
"But someone who does not know, and then does something wrong, will be punished only lightly. When someone has been given much, much will be required in return; and when someone has been entrusted with much, even more will be required."
You've been given much, dear heart. Entrusted with God's love. Even if you're still receiving (as we all are), or healing from something, you have a start. The love that we know from Jesus is precious and priceless, and qualifies as "much" in every language. There are those who need it desperately, and haven't been shown the way. Whether they're completely empty, or have had a taste, maybe they need what you have. Maybe it looks like they're okay, but... could you check again? Many broken people look happy at church and in social settings. Are they a candle about to go out?
See, it's like this: I was at a Christian youth conference a few summers ago, and one of the speakers was talking about the song "This Little Light of Mine". He objected, telling us that it's more like a "FREAKING HUGE BONFIRE".
I think I like his way of seeing things better. You? I mean, I personally rather be a bonfire for God than a candle. And it's wholly possible, considering Who's inside of us.
Another perspective: Would you call Jesus a candle? "Aw, be careful going by him, he might just blow out!" Um, no, dear. He cast out demons, healed the sick, and suffered the cross for us. And then he said we'd do greater things than these. Now, if Jesus isn't a candle, and we're going to do greater things, we can't possibly be classified as candles. It doesn't work out. And if you get a lot of bonfires, really close together...
WILDFIRE
I don't think I'd want to put it out. Let God burn in us for a while, and maybe He'd do more than hand someone a tract. Maybe we'd see Him move like never before, and maybe He'd touch some hearts for real. Love on people. Actually, I believe He would. If His people, their hearts full of His love, start burning like bonfires instead of candles, He's going to do something with that fire. I mean, it can't really be there without Him, and if He stirs something up, then He'll take it somewhere beyond our imagination. All we have to do is say, "Yes, bring on the oxygen, feed this fire!" Passion for His name. Be a bonfire, and spread some pure, true love to a hurting soul today. Whether it's a Christian or non-Christian friend who's down, needs encouragement, or maybe even a stranger He points out to you, you have a responsibility.
Luke 12:48 (NLT)
"But someone who does not know, and then does something wrong, will be punished only lightly. When someone has been given much, much will be required in return; and when someone has been entrusted with much, even more will be required."
You've been given much, dear heart. Entrusted with God's love. Even if you're still receiving (as we all are), or healing from something, you have a start. The love that we know from Jesus is precious and priceless, and qualifies as "much" in every language. There are those who need it desperately, and haven't been shown the way. Whether they're completely empty, or have had a taste, maybe they need what you have. Maybe it looks like they're okay, but... could you check again? Many broken people look happy at church and in social settings. Are they a candle about to go out?
Monday, August 23, 2010
Forgiving Myself
I'm slowly getting past my dulled senses and the surface joy that I've gotten by on lately. God is so good to stick with me through thick fog and thin hope. I'm looking forward to things again, and I think I feel Him here with me. My peace is trickling back now, a small stream of hope and comfort. Thank you, Lord Jesus.
The above was written sometime last week. Tonight is restless and difficult. I'm realizing things as I type, such as what's making it hard for me to get alone with God. I have a hard time forgiving myself for my mistakes, especially those that affect other people. If I mess up with something practical, that's one thing. Messing up involving a person is a whole 'nother ball game. Even if it's something small, I'll beat myself up for it accordingly. When it's bigger, it's worse, and I'm frustrated. I take the responsibility of how I affect people very seriously.
How does this affect being with God? I think it has to do with me not considering myself worthy of His love, or something to that effect. Sounds harsh, I know. Sounds like a thousand Bible verses saying otherwise. I know that He thinks much better of me than I think of myself. He sees His perfect Son when He looks at me. He sees a saint, the old sinner washed away in Jesus' blood. Who am I to act as though I know better than Him who He ought to be with? Who He ought to love? He IS love. If He says, "Dear heart, you're worth it." than who am I to speak doubt?
My actions here are cheapening His love for me, saying that it's not great enough to cover my pain and the pain that I've inflicted. Perhaps it's partially pride. I know not at this point.
Whoa. Sorry, God. It's amazing how simply writing this out solidifies it, strengthens it. This really is what I'm doing and going through, and it's hurting two principle people:
Me, and Him. My one true love, my Lord Christ. Who am I to say, "Turn and look the other way."? He longs to heal my heart, and I wish to hide in my shame. I hate to hurt the people whom He loves, the ones that I have come to love. I don't want Him to give me another chance sometimes, because I don't want to mess it up again. But I know that there's more. I know that He has plans to use me. Knowledge that needs to be taken to heart, for sure.
Mmm. I so look forward to resting in Him when all is said and done. Oh, for the day that I go to Him as a beautiful wreck, worn from this world and all that it holds, and He takes me in. God, I do look forward to that.
Right now I've got Pandora.com up. My Skillet radio is helping me to breathe and to feel. Going through something big can numb my emotions. After a few hard cries [or sometimes several], my subconscious is finding ways to cope and dissuade the pain. Lay Down My Pride (Jeremy Camp), Breathe You In (Thousand Foot Krutch), Breathe Today (EP version) (Flyleaf), More Than a Love Song (Fireflight), and Falling Inside the Black (Skillet) have hit just the right chords for me tonight, as they've lined up in play. Learn to Breathe (also Thousand Foot Krutch) is playing now. Powerful rock songs from Christian bands? Yes, thanks. Music is such a gift from God.
A side thought: I realize that my lack of blogging is not entirely because it is in and of itself difficult, but for the hesitation of what's been on my heart. These words are raw, and not all together joyous. They're vulnerable and real. Take it or leave it, friend. God's slowly healing me through these written words, and to give them up would be a partial suicide.
The above was written sometime last week. Tonight is restless and difficult. I'm realizing things as I type, such as what's making it hard for me to get alone with God. I have a hard time forgiving myself for my mistakes, especially those that affect other people. If I mess up with something practical, that's one thing. Messing up involving a person is a whole 'nother ball game. Even if it's something small, I'll beat myself up for it accordingly. When it's bigger, it's worse, and I'm frustrated. I take the responsibility of how I affect people very seriously.
How does this affect being with God? I think it has to do with me not considering myself worthy of His love, or something to that effect. Sounds harsh, I know. Sounds like a thousand Bible verses saying otherwise. I know that He thinks much better of me than I think of myself. He sees His perfect Son when He looks at me. He sees a saint, the old sinner washed away in Jesus' blood. Who am I to act as though I know better than Him who He ought to be with? Who He ought to love? He IS love. If He says, "Dear heart, you're worth it." than who am I to speak doubt?
My actions here are cheapening His love for me, saying that it's not great enough to cover my pain and the pain that I've inflicted. Perhaps it's partially pride. I know not at this point.
Whoa. Sorry, God. It's amazing how simply writing this out solidifies it, strengthens it. This really is what I'm doing and going through, and it's hurting two principle people:
Me, and Him. My one true love, my Lord Christ. Who am I to say, "Turn and look the other way."? He longs to heal my heart, and I wish to hide in my shame. I hate to hurt the people whom He loves, the ones that I have come to love. I don't want Him to give me another chance sometimes, because I don't want to mess it up again. But I know that there's more. I know that He has plans to use me. Knowledge that needs to be taken to heart, for sure.
Mmm. I so look forward to resting in Him when all is said and done. Oh, for the day that I go to Him as a beautiful wreck, worn from this world and all that it holds, and He takes me in. God, I do look forward to that.
Right now I've got Pandora.com up. My Skillet radio is helping me to breathe and to feel. Going through something big can numb my emotions. After a few hard cries [or sometimes several], my subconscious is finding ways to cope and dissuade the pain. Lay Down My Pride (Jeremy Camp), Breathe You In (Thousand Foot Krutch), Breathe Today (EP version) (Flyleaf), More Than a Love Song (Fireflight), and Falling Inside the Black (Skillet) have hit just the right chords for me tonight, as they've lined up in play. Learn to Breathe (also Thousand Foot Krutch) is playing now. Powerful rock songs from Christian bands? Yes, thanks. Music is such a gift from God.
A side thought: I realize that my lack of blogging is not entirely because it is in and of itself difficult, but for the hesitation of what's been on my heart. These words are raw, and not all together joyous. They're vulnerable and real. Take it or leave it, friend. God's slowly healing me through these written words, and to give them up would be a partial suicide.
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