There's someone that I know. He makes me feel like myself the way I ought to have been, not the way I was scarred to become. He releases me to shower me with care and affection, with thoughtfulness and attention. He is intelligent, goofy, genuine, ridiculous, adorable, handsome, smooth, dorky, talented, artistic, cocky, intuitive, and clever. He laughs a lot, makes me laugh a lot, and has a really great smile. He is the shoulder I cry on, and he's completely fascinated with my eyes and heart.
Matthew is my boyfriend, I'm really blessed to be his girlfriend, and we're on an adventure together. It's a rocky road, but there are beautiful sights to be seen, and songs to dance along with.
Hello, life.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Something Priceless
Last year was terrible and wonderful for me. I made a lot of choices, I learned a lot. About the people around me, about myself. I gained confidence from someone good, even though things ended in pain. If not for the wonderful situation that ended terribly, and that still hurts me sometimes, I wouldn't have that confidence.
And then I got to thinking; if I hadn't made the choices I did, that led me to go through what I did, would God have used something else to give me that same confidence? Would he have used other methods?
I believe the answer is yes, because he has a plan for my life that isn't easy to stop.
BUT, I also believe that that is completely irrelevant. A quote from a TV show helped me out:
"I may not be perfect, but I am me."
It's simple and cliche. But you see, everything I do, whether it is a good idea, a mistake, or a mix of both, is me. It contributes to the person that I am today. It is a part of me, it is my history. And without my history, and the tragedies that God brings me through, I am simple and plain. 2010 was as hard as 2011. 2009 was a struggle of another kind; and don't get me started on 2008. But everything I go through is a testament to the strength that God is building inside of me. He will continue to mold me and teach me through every decision that I make.
I am absolutely not saying that I'm right all the time, because I'm not. I've made big mistakes like everyone else on this earth. But every day that I beat myself up, that I look back with shame, that I wish I hadn't hurt anyone, is a day that the Enemy of my spirit wins. It is a day that I lay down and die to the glory that was instilled within me before sin had its chance to touch my life. I will press on. I will reject the fear of rejection from everything that others have done to me, as well as that which I have brought upon myself. I will forgive them, and I will forgive myself. I am worth it.
Who says? God says. Jesus Christ died on the cross because I am a beautiful creature, because He wants me when no one else does, because I am made perfect and whole by that sacrifice. And it is mine to step into every day, if I so choose. I won't always choose it. I will struggle. But it will be true, waiting there for me, each time I get up the nerve to believe again. To believe that I am priceless.
And so are you.
And then I got to thinking; if I hadn't made the choices I did, that led me to go through what I did, would God have used something else to give me that same confidence? Would he have used other methods?
I believe the answer is yes, because he has a plan for my life that isn't easy to stop.
BUT, I also believe that that is completely irrelevant. A quote from a TV show helped me out:
"I may not be perfect, but I am me."
It's simple and cliche. But you see, everything I do, whether it is a good idea, a mistake, or a mix of both, is me. It contributes to the person that I am today. It is a part of me, it is my history. And without my history, and the tragedies that God brings me through, I am simple and plain. 2010 was as hard as 2011. 2009 was a struggle of another kind; and don't get me started on 2008. But everything I go through is a testament to the strength that God is building inside of me. He will continue to mold me and teach me through every decision that I make.
I am absolutely not saying that I'm right all the time, because I'm not. I've made big mistakes like everyone else on this earth. But every day that I beat myself up, that I look back with shame, that I wish I hadn't hurt anyone, is a day that the Enemy of my spirit wins. It is a day that I lay down and die to the glory that was instilled within me before sin had its chance to touch my life. I will press on. I will reject the fear of rejection from everything that others have done to me, as well as that which I have brought upon myself. I will forgive them, and I will forgive myself. I am worth it.
Who says? God says. Jesus Christ died on the cross because I am a beautiful creature, because He wants me when no one else does, because I am made perfect and whole by that sacrifice. And it is mine to step into every day, if I so choose. I won't always choose it. I will struggle. But it will be true, waiting there for me, each time I get up the nerve to believe again. To believe that I am priceless.
And so are you.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
The Seasons' Growth
As it's been 17 months since my last post, I think it's about time for a new entry. Here's a poem I wrote for a contest, before realizing that it didn't work with the specified rhyme, meter, length, etc.
The Seasons' Growth
April 19, 2012
The grass is green in Springtime
and flowers burst with life.
The sweet perfumes that fill the air
bring solace to my strife.
The meadows are in motion
with breath and breeze to warm.
The touch of gold that fills my soul
will calm the fiercest storm.
The Summer strikes with muster,
and heatwaves wear me down.
But lakes of azure cool the dust
and laughter takes my frown.
The birds trill songs of soothing
to lighten worker's load.
The dogs bay out the warning
when strangers walk the road.
The Autumn brings the harvest
and tales of lost romance.
The amber moon, she calls the brave,
for one last lonesome dance.
The leaves display the colors
of fire, blood, and brass.
The winds warn of the season
that tests the strong and fast.
The Winter calls the fallen
to bury what's been born.
To leave the weary spin of Earth
and fly into the morn.
The snow envelopes rooftops
and covers countryside.
The blizzard reinforces frost
to stow torn travellers inside.
The Seasons tell of old and new,
of times that burn my heart.
They cycle through each memory
to chisel out the art.
The years of growth and gamble
time-test the soul within.
An honest man will come out clean,
whilst deceiver tastes his sin.
The Seasons' Growth
April 19, 2012
The grass is green in Springtime
and flowers burst with life.
The sweet perfumes that fill the air
bring solace to my strife.
The meadows are in motion
with breath and breeze to warm.
The touch of gold that fills my soul
will calm the fiercest storm.
The Summer strikes with muster,
and heatwaves wear me down.
But lakes of azure cool the dust
and laughter takes my frown.
The birds trill songs of soothing
to lighten worker's load.
The dogs bay out the warning
when strangers walk the road.
The Autumn brings the harvest
and tales of lost romance.
The amber moon, she calls the brave,
for one last lonesome dance.
The leaves display the colors
of fire, blood, and brass.
The winds warn of the season
that tests the strong and fast.
The Winter calls the fallen
to bury what's been born.
To leave the weary spin of Earth
and fly into the morn.
The snow envelopes rooftops
and covers countryside.
The blizzard reinforces frost
to stow torn travellers inside.
The Seasons tell of old and new,
of times that burn my heart.
They cycle through each memory
to chisel out the art.
The years of growth and gamble
time-test the soul within.
An honest man will come out clean,
whilst deceiver tastes his sin.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
A Heart Re-exposed
The last time that I wrote to you, my heart was still managing. But in the time between then and now, the hardened places have become swollen. They have stung and struggled. They have wearied of pain from situations past and present; things that had not been properly let go of. And I was not letting Christ's love in. I did my best with what I knew and the courage I could summon, "knowing" He loved me and remembering those times when He dispelled all doubt and brought trust into my life. I stuck it out and stayed productive during the day, but cried in the night. A wound does not relieve itself; it does not stop its swell without ointment. It must have attention or it will become infected. Last night, my heart's wound became receptive once again.
The touch of an unrelenting God broke through. I was at the reunion of my church, which broke into home groups a few months ago. The Lord showed up powerfully.
I may not go into detail about stories heard and prayers spoken, but they touched me deeply. That place that I'd locked off was reopened and let to breathe, though I did not fully realize it until tonight. Tonight, I watched the season finale of a show called Doctor Who. The Doctor, as he is known, is a Time Lord who lives without aging, traveling through time and space to be of help where evil would reign. He is in love with Rose Tyler, a young woman who traveled with him for a while before becoming locked in another dimension. They are reunited in the finale when she is returned to help save the universe, but it cannot last. She must go back to the dimension she has become a part of, or there will be consequences. The Doctor leaves her without option. He will never see Rose again, and it is heartbreaking.
The point of that is this: It is the same way for Jesus, every time one of us whom He loves so completely dies without knowing Him and goes to Hell. Eternal separation. And how absolutely horrible to experience it so often... so certainly. And this analogy ripped me open to understand how truly Christ just wants to be with those He loves. It was the key to re-exposing my heart to Him. I cannot describe the feeling with mere words, but I have remembered His love. Nothing is more simply life-changing.
He is crafting me, beloved, as a potter works His clay. Carefully and deliberately. I am stronger than before these two days, and have never known His love like this. I am more alive and aware than ever. And when I am walking with Him is when I have the ability to write in this fashion, with vulnerability. This is why I haven't posted in over a month. And this is why I hope to be consistent again.
With great love,
Laura
The touch of an unrelenting God broke through. I was at the reunion of my church, which broke into home groups a few months ago. The Lord showed up powerfully.
I may not go into detail about stories heard and prayers spoken, but they touched me deeply. That place that I'd locked off was reopened and let to breathe, though I did not fully realize it until tonight. Tonight, I watched the season finale of a show called Doctor Who. The Doctor, as he is known, is a Time Lord who lives without aging, traveling through time and space to be of help where evil would reign. He is in love with Rose Tyler, a young woman who traveled with him for a while before becoming locked in another dimension. They are reunited in the finale when she is returned to help save the universe, but it cannot last. She must go back to the dimension she has become a part of, or there will be consequences. The Doctor leaves her without option. He will never see Rose again, and it is heartbreaking.
The point of that is this: It is the same way for Jesus, every time one of us whom He loves so completely dies without knowing Him and goes to Hell. Eternal separation. And how absolutely horrible to experience it so often... so certainly. And this analogy ripped me open to understand how truly Christ just wants to be with those He loves. It was the key to re-exposing my heart to Him. I cannot describe the feeling with mere words, but I have remembered His love. Nothing is more simply life-changing.
He is crafting me, beloved, as a potter works His clay. Carefully and deliberately. I am stronger than before these two days, and have never known His love like this. I am more alive and aware than ever. And when I am walking with Him is when I have the ability to write in this fashion, with vulnerability. This is why I haven't posted in over a month. And this is why I hope to be consistent again.
With great love,
Laura
Friday, October 1, 2010
Learning to Cope
My mom has been feeling ill for a couple of weeks. She's had a cough that causes her pain, sciatica, which has to do with a pinched nerve in her leg, and has just been feeling bad in general. She went to the doctor yesterday morning and he called last night. Said that he'd gotten the results of her blood work and didn't like it, and that she should go to the emergency room right away. My dad took her, and they've been running various tests. This evening, I learned that the doctors think it's either a viral infection, or something more serious. They're going to run another test in the morning that should determine which. The results will be in in about a week. I'm praying until then.
But I'm not blogging only to recruit more prayers. I've found that Facebook is great for creating prayer chains, and I've been blessed by the amount of commentary on my statuses, assuring me that prayers are going up and that I can call if there's anything my friends can do. These are truly appreciated. But something hard like this brings me to think about what I do to cope, to remain strong enough to get through. I'd like to share these with you.
My dad has gone to the hospital about four or so different times over the past five years, three of which ended with another stint placed in an artery near his heart. When things like this happen, you have a choice: you can worry and ask why and despair, or you can trust God. You can believe that He would not let something happen if there was not good to come of it in some form, and you can trust that no matter the confusion in your own mind, He knows how it will play out. He has the diagnosis and the cure. Sometimes He chooses to heal directly, and sometimes He lets it run through the various forms of healing that He placed on this earth. Either way, at the end of the day, all I want to choose is faith.
I'm not saying that it's easy; there are reasons for terms such as "trial by fire" and that it's "darkest before the dawn". My sister, Kate, set as her status a quote from Peter Marshall -
"When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure."
It's so very true. I would not be close to God, learning to depend on Him, if I had nothing to depend upon Him for! If I had nothing precious and close to me to trust Him with, then I would never learn complete and true trust. My character would not be strengthened through the opposition. When our relationships with those around us are put to test, they expose "fair weather friends" and those who will ride through the storm with you. No simple friendship is as strong as the one that has survived the hurricane. Whatever you believed before, you now have the proof that this person is trustworthy. In the same way, leaning on God through life will show you just how worthy He is of our love and our trust. He is the one who will, "never leave you nor forsake you." (Hebrews 13:5, emphasis added). And, unlike your friends, He knows how your circumstance will run its course, and exactly how He will take it from something wholly bad to something used for good.
To comment on a practical side, it's a good idea to occupy oneself while in between things. While I'm waiting to hear what's going on with my mother, not only can I pray, but I can do dishes, laundry, generally clean house; keep up with my schoolwork, keep people informed, and generally make use of my time. I feel better when I'm getting something done. Even if the task seems minimal and mundane, it's often the familiar routine that helps me get through an unexpected situation. It reminds that not everything is changed and upset, brings a leveling, consistent factor to the mix, and reassures that life will go on, come what may.
I had to jump up and deal with a large spider before finishing the last paragraph. The thing was creeping on the wall behind my desk, dropped to the floor and ran for the cover of my dresser when I went after it. I had to use a straw to poke at it, sending it back out into the open. It ran across the floor and under my bed. I finally nabbed it with some toilet paper when it paused by the wall. I squished it and flushed it down the toilet for good measure.
Don't be fooled. These things freak me out. But I needed to take care of it for my peace of mind. I'm not going to sleep well if I know that it's loose about my room. Every unexpected movement from it made me jump. But I dealt with it anyway. I got through it and was victorious without any real issue. Yeah, it's just a spider, but it proves a point:
if you're willing to face your fear, you might just be surprised by what God will enable you to conquer.
So my mom's in the hospital, but my God knows for how long. He knows how each step of this twist of life will play out, and He'll give me and my family what we need to get through it. He is faithful, all the time.
Psalm 36:5 - Your unfailing love, O Lord, is as vast as the heavens;
your faithfulness reaches beyond the clouds. (NLT)
Psalm 117 - O PRAISE the Lord, all you nations! Praise Him, all you people!
For His mercy and loving-kindness are great toward us, and the truth and faithfulness of the Lord endure forever. Praise the Lord! (Hallelujah!) (Amplified Bible)
But I'm not blogging only to recruit more prayers. I've found that Facebook is great for creating prayer chains, and I've been blessed by the amount of commentary on my statuses, assuring me that prayers are going up and that I can call if there's anything my friends can do. These are truly appreciated. But something hard like this brings me to think about what I do to cope, to remain strong enough to get through. I'd like to share these with you.
My dad has gone to the hospital about four or so different times over the past five years, three of which ended with another stint placed in an artery near his heart. When things like this happen, you have a choice: you can worry and ask why and despair, or you can trust God. You can believe that He would not let something happen if there was not good to come of it in some form, and you can trust that no matter the confusion in your own mind, He knows how it will play out. He has the diagnosis and the cure. Sometimes He chooses to heal directly, and sometimes He lets it run through the various forms of healing that He placed on this earth. Either way, at the end of the day, all I want to choose is faith.
I'm not saying that it's easy; there are reasons for terms such as "trial by fire" and that it's "darkest before the dawn". My sister, Kate, set as her status a quote from Peter Marshall -
"When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure."
It's so very true. I would not be close to God, learning to depend on Him, if I had nothing to depend upon Him for! If I had nothing precious and close to me to trust Him with, then I would never learn complete and true trust. My character would not be strengthened through the opposition. When our relationships with those around us are put to test, they expose "fair weather friends" and those who will ride through the storm with you. No simple friendship is as strong as the one that has survived the hurricane. Whatever you believed before, you now have the proof that this person is trustworthy. In the same way, leaning on God through life will show you just how worthy He is of our love and our trust. He is the one who will, "never leave you nor forsake you." (Hebrews 13:5, emphasis added). And, unlike your friends, He knows how your circumstance will run its course, and exactly how He will take it from something wholly bad to something used for good.
To comment on a practical side, it's a good idea to occupy oneself while in between things. While I'm waiting to hear what's going on with my mother, not only can I pray, but I can do dishes, laundry, generally clean house; keep up with my schoolwork, keep people informed, and generally make use of my time. I feel better when I'm getting something done. Even if the task seems minimal and mundane, it's often the familiar routine that helps me get through an unexpected situation. It reminds that not everything is changed and upset, brings a leveling, consistent factor to the mix, and reassures that life will go on, come what may.
I had to jump up and deal with a large spider before finishing the last paragraph. The thing was creeping on the wall behind my desk, dropped to the floor and ran for the cover of my dresser when I went after it. I had to use a straw to poke at it, sending it back out into the open. It ran across the floor and under my bed. I finally nabbed it with some toilet paper when it paused by the wall. I squished it and flushed it down the toilet for good measure.
Don't be fooled. These things freak me out. But I needed to take care of it for my peace of mind. I'm not going to sleep well if I know that it's loose about my room. Every unexpected movement from it made me jump. But I dealt with it anyway. I got through it and was victorious without any real issue. Yeah, it's just a spider, but it proves a point:
if you're willing to face your fear, you might just be surprised by what God will enable you to conquer.
So my mom's in the hospital, but my God knows for how long. He knows how each step of this twist of life will play out, and He'll give me and my family what we need to get through it. He is faithful, all the time.
Psalm 36:5 - Your unfailing love, O Lord, is as vast as the heavens;
your faithfulness reaches beyond the clouds. (NLT)
Psalm 117 - O PRAISE the Lord, all you nations! Praise Him, all you people!
For His mercy and loving-kindness are great toward us, and the truth and faithfulness of the Lord endure forever. Praise the Lord! (Hallelujah!) (Amplified Bible)
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Taking Notes
Last night, I was flipping around in my Bible. God showed me a few things that really encouraged me, so I wrote them down in my notebook. Tonight, I thought I'd share them with you. I really need to read my Bible more often; I easily release the habit and forget how it blesses me when I return to it.
Ephesians 2:8-10
"God saved you by His grace when you believed. And you can't take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so he can do the good things he planned for us long ago."
So neither can our mistakes take salvation from us. God doesn't give up on me as easily as I sometimes give up on myself, and my ability to make a difference.
Romans 8:28
"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them."
So He's using my daily struggles to make me stronger. He's using every hard thing that comes to shape me and bless me. He has a plan to use my life for His glory, and will use all these things to bring it into action. I am never abandoned; never forsaken.
Romans 9:26
"... Then, at the place where they were told, "You are not my people,' there they will be called 'children of the living God.'" (referring to the Gentiles, if you'd like the context).
Right there, where it was the worst. Where they were furthest from God's love, wholly desolate and abandoned; that is where He chose to restore them. To heal them and to offer something better - much, much better - than all the empty pain and deception they had known. Don't cover up and turn away from the broken, traumatized places. For those are the ones He wants to touch and use to bring forth His glory. Light out of the darkness, as it were.
Galatians 5:22-23
"But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!"
So all we have to do is let Him in. He'll use everything to bring these about in beautiful ways. Even if you doubt your own ability to birth such good fruit, don't doubt Him. "The Holy Spirit produces" is not a question. He is fully capable if you will open your heart to His work in your life. Just do your best, and give Him the rest.
Ephesians 2:8-10
"God saved you by His grace when you believed. And you can't take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so he can do the good things he planned for us long ago."
So neither can our mistakes take salvation from us. God doesn't give up on me as easily as I sometimes give up on myself, and my ability to make a difference.
Romans 8:28
"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them."
So He's using my daily struggles to make me stronger. He's using every hard thing that comes to shape me and bless me. He has a plan to use my life for His glory, and will use all these things to bring it into action. I am never abandoned; never forsaken.
Romans 9:26
"... Then, at the place where they were told, "You are not my people,' there they will be called 'children of the living God.'" (referring to the Gentiles, if you'd like the context).
Right there, where it was the worst. Where they were furthest from God's love, wholly desolate and abandoned; that is where He chose to restore them. To heal them and to offer something better - much, much better - than all the empty pain and deception they had known. Don't cover up and turn away from the broken, traumatized places. For those are the ones He wants to touch and use to bring forth His glory. Light out of the darkness, as it were.
Galatians 5:22-23
"But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!"
So all we have to do is let Him in. He'll use everything to bring these about in beautiful ways. Even if you doubt your own ability to birth such good fruit, don't doubt Him. "The Holy Spirit produces" is not a question. He is fully capable if you will open your heart to His work in your life. Just do your best, and give Him the rest.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
All I Need
My thoughts will bounce around a bit here, so bare with me. Copy/paste the link to a new tab or window to listen as you read.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gkLh-D-esxQ
This song alternately speaks to and flows from my heart. It's what my life boils down to. There's this and that, worries and concerns, confusion and grief (Matthew 6:27, "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"). There are hopes and doubts, moments of both peace and fear. We can only control these things so much; can only predict whether the bright light at the end of the tunnel is daylight or a train to a certain extent. Beyond that, it's all about how we react.
With each new experience, we have a choice to waste it or learn from it. To conceal the fresh wounds and old scars, undermine the beauty and life, or let each happening change us to become a little more ourselves; a little more like the people who God originally crafted you and me to be. With the Holy Spirit's guidance, we can learn and grow to meet new challenges. If you're playing a video game, you know that each new level will be harder, more intense. But you gain new skills with each new victory, just as you need them. You're prepared. It's the same with everyday life. If you don't learn as you go, you won't be ready for the next set and you will be expected to repeat the lesson until you're ready. I don't know about you, but there are some things I'd really rather not repeat.
But at the end of the day, we need to rest. Our day's choices behind us, we need Someone unchanging to hold us steady. Someone who is steadfast, unfailing, and good through-and-through. Who cares for us more than the people we interacted with and dealt with today can even begin to. Someone who can see the bigger picture, look into our worst-case scenarios, and find the key to getting us through. A familiar verse, Romans 8:28 reads, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."
Another familiar, yet repeatedly encouraging verse? Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."
Which means that He has my life in His capable hands and He's well aware of my circumstance. He'll work through my life if I keep coming back to my Jesus.
"All I need is You, Lord
Is You, Lord."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gkLh-D-esxQ
This song alternately speaks to and flows from my heart. It's what my life boils down to. There's this and that, worries and concerns, confusion and grief (Matthew 6:27, "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"). There are hopes and doubts, moments of both peace and fear. We can only control these things so much; can only predict whether the bright light at the end of the tunnel is daylight or a train to a certain extent. Beyond that, it's all about how we react.
With each new experience, we have a choice to waste it or learn from it. To conceal the fresh wounds and old scars, undermine the beauty and life, or let each happening change us to become a little more ourselves; a little more like the people who God originally crafted you and me to be. With the Holy Spirit's guidance, we can learn and grow to meet new challenges. If you're playing a video game, you know that each new level will be harder, more intense. But you gain new skills with each new victory, just as you need them. You're prepared. It's the same with everyday life. If you don't learn as you go, you won't be ready for the next set and you will be expected to repeat the lesson until you're ready. I don't know about you, but there are some things I'd really rather not repeat.
But at the end of the day, we need to rest. Our day's choices behind us, we need Someone unchanging to hold us steady. Someone who is steadfast, unfailing, and good through-and-through. Who cares for us more than the people we interacted with and dealt with today can even begin to. Someone who can see the bigger picture, look into our worst-case scenarios, and find the key to getting us through. A familiar verse, Romans 8:28 reads, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."
Another familiar, yet repeatedly encouraging verse? Jeremiah 29:11 - "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."
Which means that He has my life in His capable hands and He's well aware of my circumstance. He'll work through my life if I keep coming back to my Jesus.
"All I need is You, Lord
Is You, Lord."
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